My sincere hopes everyone is doing well and maintaining their sobriety as best you can. Some days it’s pure joy and peace, others is WTF! where we’re ready to flip a switch and move into a frame of mind where we have moments of neutrality and ignore our driving reasons of why we’re doing this in the first place (as in “I could really use a drink today”). I’ve been off the site for a bit, occasionally posting and dropping off if I fall backwards into the drinking muck. Funny how it’s like a thick mud that holds you down and stuck in place, unable to get up….at least that is what I have found for myself. I’m on Day 17 today. The last while has been a challenge. It’s interesting, in a very concerning way, how we progressively isolate ourselves as the drinking progresses in spite of the fact we’re surrounded by family, friends, and people. I find the isolation escalates in pace with the increase of consumption. It’s an odd paradox. As a kid growing up in an alcoholic family I learned VERY young the rules of not talking about concerns, suppressing them, stuffing your feelings, and not to draw attention to ourselves. Probably why when I started drinking as a teenager at parties it was a relief. The affects of those lessons have been devastating in many ways. Is it any wonder we find this isolation while drinking comforting, however dysfunctional or perverted it may be? Actually, I don’t feel like I’m alone when I’m in that state of drinking because alcohol and it’s effects actually feels like I’m not alone. It’s like a companion in the most distorted sense of the word. It’s so odd that we anthropomorphize alcohol into this companion where we continue a love/ hate dysfunctional and toxic relationship with it. Codependency at its worst and it spills over into the real relationships that we truly need. It’s hard to feel loveable or loving when you’re in the midst of a hangover induced state of depression. So what do we do? Turn to our fake “friend” alcohol who always seems to temporarily turn it around, only to pay a higher price after we sleep it off. Quitting alcohol is like leaving a bad marriage or relationship. There is such a sense of fear and loss and disruption. We have to learn to live again and it can be scary because of a sense of “breaking up”. Personally I’ve never been good with breakups or abandonment. Learning to forgive and love ourselves unconditionally without the influence of that toxic relationship is a better way to live……..Gee, how was that for a brain-dump of rambling introspection! Lol.
Anyway, I just dropped by to say “Hi!” and re-connect with the tribe. I really need this community right now so “Thank you!” for being here. I’m actually feeling a lot better these days and I’m focusing on healthy living. I quit smoking the day I stopped drinking. That has had its surreal moments. I can’t drink and not smoke. If I have alcohol I’ll smoke cigarettes (and having 1 isn’t really fun for me unless if comes in a 60 litre pint glass) , and once I’m good and buzzed I’m likely be looking for a joint as well. Just being honest….so today I’ll exercise instead, focus on the positive, and stay away from social media and news channels. These days I find them morbidly depressing and it puts a “drinking log” onto a fire pit I prefer not to ignite.
Hi @DaveS its good to hear from you. I know all about suppressed feelings not cos my family drank a lot but because of the Victorian stiff upper lip attitude. Mum and Dad bless them were very old fashioned, being angry was wrong, crying was frowned upon, you could be happy but very quietly so as to to disturb others and god help you if you got depressed and couldn’t “shake yourself out of it”. I’m only just beginning to work out how all this reflected on my adult life and my alcohol intake. Well done on day 17 here’s to day 18.xx
Hi @daveS. Your brain dump is my new found treasure and my world was just validated by reading it. For fuckidy fucks sake. The things we do. I’ve found myself in a jam and it seems to be spreading as the like would on toast or is that just a North American thing, I really do just want to get fucked up right now because why not..I am fighting it and will refer to your dump as often as I can today as it makes the world of sense to me right now. Maybe some wits need to come to an end in order to be replaced by better ones but the generator needed to perform that task feels broken right now or out of gas.
Hi @lee, I’m glad the brain dump resonated with you. I can totally relate to what you are saying. I had one last week. It was stress related but it doesn’t make a difference because I experience the same “management protocol” when things are going really well and I’m giving myself some BS excuse to celebrate a success (self-sabotage). That’s a strange one for sure. I had to take a step back and think about when this “protocol” would end because if I embark on that little road trip I can’t be sure. One thing I do know is it won’t be tomorrow. More like some time in September….maybe. And I find that thought EXHAUSTING! I really do. I’ll miss out of too many things. Little things like really engaging with my kids or getting some exercise. It’s perfectly okay to feel like you’re spread too thin. I’ve been feeling like that myself. It’s not the time to give up though. There’s never a good time for that so stay strong. You’re not alone in this and we’ve back your back. When I find for myself locked in this kind of thinking cycle it seems to repeat itself and gather momentum and I need to shut it down because it can get over-whelming in a very negative way. And you know Newton’s third law: For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. Well, one can only take so much pressure before there is a release. I’ve noticed it’s a thinking pattern of All-or-Nothing Thinking. If you haven’t read about these patterns here’s a good start… https://positivepsychology.com/cognitive-distortions/ . As someone who has unknowingly learned them I do my best now to recognize them now and undo and replace them with better thinking patterns because they have no positive impact in my life. Only bad. Hope this helps. Stay strong! Peace D.
Thanks again @DaveS and yes, those thoughts, can snowball and become more irrational. I’ve never felt more stuck but am preparing to unstick my self. I have no kids and am no longer married, to anything. I’ve decided to sell everything and get the fuck out of here. Running? maybe, starting over fresh? most definitely.
@daves – yeah not bad thanks – all over the place but feet firmly on the ground, think we are similar days without – at this stage I’m not missing it – doing the cigs as well – that’s tough but understand how they go hand in hand – ok – you have chirped me on – I need to do some socialising – I’ll go meet my Pilates group for coffee – I’m too late to go to class – thanks X
glad to have you reconnecting, @daves. gosh you are doing the nicotine, alcohol, quit thing. I did them both at the same time because, like you, one is useless without the other, or at least that was my thought when i quit. i slept like forever when i first quit. hope you ar sleeping well and enjoying the bonus of taking out two poisons out of your system. weren’t you going to have a knee replacement or am just not thinking right? good to hear from you and congrats on day 17.
Thanks @kitten, my sleeping is getting better. I knew it would be trashed though when I cut the alcohol out. I find it takes me about 2 weeks to start to re-balance so I’ve been taking some natural sleep aids to help out with it. I’m getting off those though because they leave me a little groggy in the morning. Yes, I’m supposed t have a knee replacement in Oct. I’m not sure if I will or not. It’s kind of up and down with the knee at the moment. Thanks for your support! Sincerely appreciated! Peace D
Great post DaveS. Ya know, I felt that way too about alcohol being my friend and assuaging the loneliness. Big fat lie. At day 100, I noticed how truly lonely I am. That is my next adventure – stepping out of my comfort zone.
I’m at day 101 now. Oy, I am having an awful day – just engulfed in loneliness and self pity. Not sure what is going on. Maybe because all the alcohol is finally out of my blood stream? I am just sixes and sevens and I feel as if I am in a box with no open window or door. Very frustrating. I called in sick yesterday and today. I dread going into that place tomorrow. Struggling to be still and grateful. Thanks for listening to my rant!
Good to have you back. I love your brain dumps. Your posts are always so interesting and insightful. I’m glad you’ve reconnected. You’re certainly taking on a lot not smoking and not drinking at the same time – building sober muscles of steel! You’re going to feel like a whole new person – inside and out. Good luck!
Thank you @AprilsFool 🙂 I really appreciate your feedback and support. Funny enough, quitting smoking wasn’t too bad this time around. I suppose I was ready for it. What I find when I stop drinking though is the things I am most interested in and enjoy re-assert themselves back into my life, like creativity and pursuing the activities I really enjoy. Peace D
Yes, that I have no doubt. I went to an A–Anon group a while back and it was spooky to listen to the stories and the reactions of those that attended. I could swear they grew up IN my house. Hope you are doing well! Peace D