About a year and a half ago I got into a huge drunken fight with my husband. It wasn't our first either. He told me if I didn't quit drinking our marriage was over. I knew he was right and I knew I needed to quit drinking. As the days went by something amazing happened. I started liking myself again. I realized I wasn't drinking just to save my marriage but to save myself.
I looked better, felt better, worked better, had better relationships and the list goes on.
176 days went by and although it was harder than hell sometimes, I was happily sober.
We were at a hotel enjoying the hot tub one winter night and decided to drink a few beers together. It happened that fast.
Nothing bad occured and I have been drinking on the weekends since. For some reason though, even when nothing bad happened, I felt bad about myself the next day.
I halfheartedly attempted to quit multiple times since then but never for very long.
So, 14 days ago we drank and I don't remember part of the night and woke up and vomited. It finally occurred to me ( I'm a slow learner when it comes to booze) that I'm just not supposed to drink. It's not good for my body or my mind.
You may want to clear out all the clutter and try this. Begin each day just thinking you aren’t going to drink that day. I find for me, it makes it a bit easier to follow that one simple( yet sometimes hard) statement.
Day 51. It was a sad, busy and good few days all wrapped into one week. One of the clients I worked with passed away. This was very hard on the other clients in the day treatment program and made for a stressful week. The good part of the week was I got a new car!! My old one had been having issues and was in the garage more than out the past few months. I didn’t go to counseling but have checked out some marriage and relationship books from the library. There are some really helpful ideas and tips that already seem to be helping in the way I interact with my husband. What’s really amazing is my changing the way I respond and react during a conversation, totally changes how he responds. Who knew? I thought about drinking on Friday but didn’t. For that I am grateful. Hope everyone had a good week and are enjoying a relaxing weekend!
Day 46. I asked, well pleaded with my husband to go to counseling with me tomorrow. He again refused and I am feeling resentful towards him. To be honest, a part of me doesn’t even want to go if he’s not willing to participate in the improvement of our marriage. I don’t know what to do.
Hi @davenjean . My thoughts are go to counseling yourself and share what you just shared with us. I liked your attitude the other day when you were concentrating on yourself. That is really all any of us can do is focus on being our best self. Sending best wishes to you.
Day 46 and you are so committed to healing all areas of your life. Give yourself credit for that.
Sometimes going alone can help, and maybe he warms up later to the idea of couples counseling. My hubby is very open to letting help in but even he refused like nothing else to go, and then even called my therapist a name after we got home. He apologized for that but it did make me feel alone and angry, like I was the only one working on our marriage problems.
Later on hubby went to see a counselor himself which helped him a lot with his issues that affected our relationship.
Have faith in hope and the unknown, and give yourself a big pat on the back. You have courage and heart. That is admirable!
Good morning! 45 days and I’m ready to start a busy work week. I think so anyway. Hubby and I are getting along alright at the moment and for that I am grateful. I’m getting ready to put my shoes on and do some kickboxing to get back into my excersise routine. I haven’t worked out since right around Xmas and I definitely need to. It helps me body and mind. Have a wonderful day everyone.
I can relate to your post. I’m also struggling with the winter blues and besides a little walking have not excersise in 2 weeks. Tomorrow is Monday and I’m going to start back up again. Hang in there you are doing great!
Day 44. Hubby and I decided to drive past his Dad’s house ( he passed away in October). He decided he wanted to have a few beers with the neighbor. I went with him, sat there for about an hour then walked up the hill home and got ready for bed. Hubby came home soon after. Peaceful day and peaceful night. Was a little bummed hubby drank, but I can only control what I do and I’ve got my hands full enough with that. Happy Sunday everyone:)
It has warmed up to 8 degrees here and I just finished eating a bowl of homemade cheesy ham, bacon and potato soup. I must admit, sometimes not drinking can be boring to me. Especially on a Saturday. However, I’ll take boring over stupid drunk, possible embarrassment , and feeling like shit any day.
I know what you mean by boring but yeh AF is so much better than drinking to oblivion (me). I’ve just joined the gym so get out the house and ease up the bored feeling. What about a craft or yoga. Stay strong x
Day 43. It’s Saturday morning here in Michigan and another day of frigid cold. I’ve decided to just stay inside, read a book, and paint my toenails today. I might even get ambitious and do one of my excersise routines. Maybe:). Have a wonderful day everyone!
Congrats on day 9! It sounds like you are doing a great job. I think a lot of us crave sugar in the beginning. I know I ate more ice cream than I ever did my entire life. Literally had a bowl every night.
So hubby and I used to get in awful arguments when drinking. Now that we aren’t drinking we have found out we still argue terribly( not very often but when we do we say the most horrible things to each other)it’s just not at the level as we did when drinking. I guess I thought if we quit drinking the crappy fighting would go away. I’m hoping my going to marriage counseling will help with this huge issue. Anyone else struggle or have struggled with this?
@davenajean stopping drinking for me meant I was more in control (and i’m trying that again, Day 1 sigh) but the issues were still there. Drinking not only accentuated the problems, but also allowed me to pretend they weren’t there. TBH it takes real grit to confront long term issues and I haven’t always been up to the challenge. But I guess all we need is the desire for change and some bloody minded determination. And tons of support. Keep posting, I know I’m going to! xx (PS: we just had such a row I was literally shaking with anger – wtf!).
We know that being sober is not a magic wand but it does mean that we are in the best possible space to tackle such a huge issue. Yes I have struggled with this and sometimes feel as if an anchor is tied around my ankles. I work on my flight or fight communication — and it’s tough to reprogramme and being sober has been a huge step in the right direction — but it does take two to tango. He doesn’t drink, never has really, but he does have deep seated issues with intimacy. It’s not that he’s ‘wrong’, just different. Counselling may help but he’s not interested. Indeed, he scoffs at this process, so I am just focussing on myself and my growth. This ultimately may help our marriage or it may not — I think it may widen the gap. He’s a good man and I love him very much — I’m just not convinced we are fundamentally ‘on the same page’. Buuut … Nothing stays the same and so it shouldn’t. This is where I am right now and I do find that I am gaining more clarity and understanding and I am grateful for this. And what I see is that I don’t think we will ever be an old couple holding hands walking along the beach. While I do want to be doing this in my autumn years I doubt he sees this as a life goal . So be it. That certainly does not mean it is wrong for me, just maybe wrong for us. Sorry I can’t help and I probably sound just as confused, and I probably am. But what I do know is that I am doing the best I can. Much love to you @davenajean. xx
Since my husband hated me drinking and was vocal, I thought incorrectly that when I stopped he would be happy and vocal about that too… no, in fact at times I think he wishes I were… it’s maddening. We do not fight as much but I stand up for myself a lot more and feel grounded more as my side of the street feels cleaner, I am not shamed as easily as before. I hope you can work it out so you both are happy. I have to admit sometimes I think I am in the wrong place in my life. That’s a hard one. Take care @davenajean. I have gone and go to counseling and it’s invaluable for a unbiased opinion or when you feel someone is “gaslighting” you into not believing in yourself.
The great thing about sobriety is that you can really evaluate things more objectively. For me, i don’t know if it’s that important to me to walk hand in hand with anyone in my senior years. I have lots of friends and family and do many fulfilling and satisfying things in my life. My husband is only one part of my life. …if he didn’t end up being part of my senior years there are just so many other good things out there it wouldn’t be the end of the world. That’s just my feelings lately.
Hearing you there @Aria_maria I’ve just had a couple of friends over for lunch and the afternoon and we were talking about exactly this. Like if a nice man came along would we even want him? Life is pretty damn fine without hahah xo
Have you been sober for very long? A relationship that has had drinking as a major focus will need time to rediscover other areas of compatabilty. Don’t give up too soon though-marriage counseling sounds like the perfect forum to begin to reconnect. My husband and l have had to work through trust issues and my alcoholism, it’s been challenging, but making progress. Xx
Six weeks without a drink. I feel like I’m starting to gain some momentum again. No matter what is going on in my world, not drinking is bringing me comfort somehow. Sure, sometimes I wish I could moderate but I can’t so it’s a fleeting thought. Happy Friday everyone!!!
Day 41. It’s been a quiet household since the hubby and I have quit arguing and also quit speaking to each other. I feel like I lost my best friend. On a more positive note, work was busy but I was extremely productive yesterday! I’m looking forward to my counseling appt and for the weather to hit double digits on Sunday. I live in Michigan and it’s been wicked cold here for a while now. Have a great day everyone:)
I am so sorry for the hard time you and your husband are going through. My husband survived a serious car accident and has a brain injury and I also feel like I have lost my best friend but i am praying he will come back fully and I hope the same for you x x
I’m sorry to hear about the situation with your husband. That is very hard. To not be speaking to someone in your own home is energy-sucking to say the least. I feel for you. Lots of loving kindness toward yourself. I’m in Illinois so we are Midwest neighbors. Stay warm.
I have been trying to moderate my entire adult life. Even if things go good for a little while, they never last. I believe deep down drinking covered up a low self esteem. I’m working on changing that and it sure is a lot easier when I’m not constantly worried about how much I’m going to drink on the weekends and feeling guilty about drinking and the things I do( or don’t do) when drinking. Moderation is definitely not for me.