I am a 56 year old teacher who started drinking heavily about three years ago. I realized about 6 months ago I had a huge problem. Since then it has been a constant struggle of stop and start. Looking for new support ideas.
Good morning from Georgia where is is 9:30 and already in the 90’s. Very hot this week. Maybe that is why I have been so cranky!!! All I can think about is Guilt and how it is affecting my live at the present. I know that I can’t be the only recovering alcoholic who has trouble with the word GUILT. I feel so guilty for the time that I have wasted drinking when I could have been doing other, better things. I feel guilty for what I have put my husband through. I feel guilty for not being able to spend as much time as I would like with my mother. I have always been a people pleaser and feel guilty when I say no to someone to do something for myself, Which doesn’t happen often). In AA the last week there was a lot of talk about making amends. I am working on that step slowly. The only person that I feel has not really accepted my amends is my husband. I have explained that I can’t take the last few years back and do them over, what is done is done. For the last year I have been going out of my way to “be nice” to him and do what he wants, putting his needs before mine. I thought if I did that he would “forgive” me. That is one reason I have had so many Day 1’s. I started out not drinking for him and not for me, which was the wrong reason I realized. This is a process I have to do for me, not for anyone else. I am on day 55 now and feeling good most days, yesterday, however was a bad day. I am going through a lot at work with a new boss and many new procedures. I am missing having free time to do things for me. How can I find that balance of doing for me and others without major feelings of guilt. I know I can’t be the only one out there with this problem. I had an epiphany over the weekend. I am almost 60 years old and I want to enjoy the rest of my life not have to worry about always putting others first. I saw my mother always putting others needs in front of her own and I know there is where I got this from, but I don’t want to do it anymore. Just like I don’t want to drink anymore.
I understand this @craftygirl, people pleasing because we have always done it. Now were sober it’s time for us to really take time for us.. I get flash backs about things said and done when I was drinking and the guilt creeps in and makes me sad. But this has happened and we need to look forward.. getting stronger everyday were not drinking. I’ve done the making amends and I felt it wasn’t the right time for me as I rushed it and I didn’t feel honest, I found the only person to make amends to was myself 1st.. the better we feel, more confident and we have forgiven our past then time to look at others.. Your doing so well,, take care of you 1st. . you deserve to be happy when we get our head around that, things look different.
Hi @craftygirl. A lot of the guilt lies from drinking and not being there, or reliable for most people during that time, at least for me, but there’s no way to make it all up at once if even at all. Although, we can make it much better just by being our best selves today and everyday that we are sober. I’ve also had the work related challenges and some extremely difficult days within the last month and ironically left off about where you are in AA, with steps 8 and 9, making amends. I’m learning that I must first make the amends to myself, treat myself kindly and to take time out for self care, otherwise I am still no good to anyone while the sole means is being deprived. Fresh air and exercise help me immensely. It’s been hot as hell here too but I try to get out either early or late in the day for a brisk long walk. I always feel so much better after. Congrats on day 51! Keep going!