I am a 56 year old teacher who started drinking heavily about three years ago. I realized about 6 months ago I had a huge problem. Since then it has been a constant struggle of stop and start. Looking for new support ideas.
From the highest of highs (throwing away 2 bottles of wine last week ) to the lowest of lows, having 2 drinks last night. I tried all day to not give in to temptation, but I did and am really regretting it today. At least I was able to stop at 2. As I had posted earlier this has been a rough week I just have to learn to live with those rough times without drinking. Every time I think I have a handle on this I find out that I really don’t. So back to day 1, the only good thing about this is that at least the day ones are further and further apart.
Hi @craftygirl. I just reread your post from 2 days ago, at day 55 and you were concerned about your husbands thoughts and making amends. That’s all to much for now, these things will happen almost naturally in time and when we are ready. Focus on yourself right now. It’s nearly impossible to forgive others or expect forgiveness when we have not yet forgiven ourselves. This comes in time as well and involves finding and loving ourselves first. Stop beating yourself up over drinking and just aim not to do it anymore. Be kind to you! You’ll feel better soon. Even just 2 drinks, I’ve found, is enough to cause a bit of head rot (negative thinking) and a mild case of the shits. (In general, take this as you’d like). Keep moving forward!!xo
@craftygirl Don’t give up on yourself. Day one again means you care about your future and your health and your happiness. It’ll happen for you. Just keep on giving it your all. Stop in and talk to us often, we’ll support you however we can! <3
Good morning from Georgia where is is 9:30 and already in the 90’s. Very hot this week. Maybe that is why I have been so cranky!!! All I can think about is Guilt and how it is affecting my live at the present. I know that I can’t be the only recovering alcoholic who has trouble with the word GUILT. I feel so guilty for the time that I have wasted drinking when I could have been doing other, better things. I feel guilty for what I have put my husband through. I feel guilty for not being able to spend as much time as I would like with my mother. I have always been a people pleaser and feel guilty when I say no to someone to do something for myself, Which doesn’t happen often). In AA the last week there was a lot of talk about making amends. I am working on that step slowly. The only person that I feel has not really accepted my amends is my husband. I have explained that I can’t take the last few years back and do them over, what is done is done. For the last year I have been going out of my way to “be nice” to him and do what he wants, putting his needs before mine. I thought if I did that he would “forgive” me. That is one reason I have had so many Day 1’s. I started out not drinking for him and not for me, which was the wrong reason I realized. This is a process I have to do for me, not for anyone else. I am on day 55 now and feeling good most days, yesterday, however was a bad day. I am going through a lot at work with a new boss and many new procedures. I am missing having free time to do things for me. How can I find that balance of doing for me and others without major feelings of guilt. I know I can’t be the only one out there with this problem. I had an epiphany over the weekend. I am almost 60 years old and I want to enjoy the rest of my life not have to worry about always putting others first. I saw my mother always putting others needs in front of her own and I know there is where I got this from, but I don’t want to do it…[Read more]
I understand this @craftygirl, people pleasing because we have always done it. Now were sober it’s time for us to really take time for us.. I get flash backs about things said and done when I was drinking and the guilt creeps in and makes me sad. But this has happened and we need to look forward.. getting stronger everyday were not drinking. I’ve done the making amends and I felt it wasn’t the right time for me as I rushed it and I didn’t feel honest, I found the only person to make amends to was myself 1st.. the better we feel, more confident and we have forgiven our past then time to look at others.. Your doing so well,, take care of you 1st. . you deserve to be happy when we get our head around that, things look different.
Hi @craftygirl. A lot of the guilt lies from drinking and not being there, or reliable for most people during that time, at least for me, but there’s no way to make it all up at once if even at all. Although, we can make it much better just by being our best selves today and everyday that we are sober. I’ve also had the work related challenges and some extremely difficult days within the last month and ironically left off about where you are in AA, with steps 8 and 9, making amends. I’m learning that I must first make the amends to myself, treat myself kindly and to take time out for self care, otherwise I am still no good to anyone while the sole means is being deprived. Fresh air and exercise help me immensely. It’s been hot as hell here too but I try to get out either early or late in the day for a brisk long walk. I always feel so much better after. Congrats on day 51! Keep going!
Day 50 feeling good. First week of school almost finished, a few rough moments but over all a good week. Several times I have had to tell myself that I can only control my reactions not the actions of other people. Hubby will be away this weekend, looking forward to a weekend by myself. I don’t get those very often. It gives me time to do things for me.
That’s one of the best sayings to enable you to continue to focus on keeping your side of the street clean and staying in your own lane. It is such a relief to know that we are just responsible for our own reactions and nothing more. Congrats on 50 days!
Yes, so normal to feel sorry for yourself so early on – that’s tough. Is your husband supportive? If so maybe he could refrain while you get through detoxing. Day 4 is hard so congratulations on making it through that! It is so worth it. Just remember that it takes 12 days to get it through your system and you will feel lots better. 🙂
Day 50 is great! Well done you keep it up. You sounding very zen n shit lol with the self control-its hard, but I’ve been trying to practise this too and set intentions-peace and love, peace and love lol but some fuckers just need a throat punch, there’s no two ways about it 😉 I hope you have an incredible rejuvenating weekend, even if you choose to do bugger all 🙂
People seem fairly evenly divided on this one but I’m with @Prudence Drinking AF beer just confused me: was I drinking or wasn’t I? and if I wasn’t drinking beer with alcohol in it why was drinking this stuff at all?… just for the appearance of it? Just to make it look like I was drinking? All ways around I found it too confusing so I didn’t bother again, but others seem to find it useful.
First day back at work, not sure yet how the year is going to go, with our new principal. I am keeping an open mind. For some reason, since I got home I have been in the worst funk, and kept thinking that a drink would make me feel better, but I know that would only make things worse. I went to my Monday night yoga class and that helped, some, still feel out of sorts, hopefully tomorrow will be better.
This is my last weekend before school starts back next week. I am not looking forward to heading back to work, we have a new principal this year so who knows what changes we will have. I am determined that no matter what happens at school I am not going to let it drive me to drink. I am sleeping better and feeling better, I did think I would lose some weight maybe that will still happen!!. Hope everyone has a great weekend.
Hope you had a lovely weekend. I began to semi hate schools and the horrible power crazies within some of them (travelled around them as a consultant type). When I stopped that and relieved, I was able to love them again, sort of, but the noise, the rushing, the knocked out walls, or newly built big barns that is the trend in NZ now, was still exhausting. Now I counsel children and take groups in several schools – appreciative, lovely schools with caring hierarchies – I sometimes think I have died and arrived in heaven – except for the tragic lives of the children and families … May your term go well XXX
Day 33, still hanging in there. Only one bad moment on vacation. We toured a home in Nashville that included a winery. At the end of the tour you could go in for a free wine tasting, I had no intention of even going in, to my surprise my hubby who doesn’t even like wine wanted to go in and try the wines. I couldn’t believe it. I went in with him, and looked around there was lots of gift items to look at, then I decided to go outside and wait on him. I couldn’t believe it. When he came out I told him and he didn’t know why I was upset. Men!!
Well done getting through that! @craftygirl That was some serious, and unexpected, sober muscle building! You say you’re “hanging in there”…how are you feeling other than that one trigger? Feeling pretty positive and solid? Sober toolbox full? Day 37 here. I’ve had a challenging week having to deal head-on with the resurfacing of emotions that I had apparently stuffed way down deep and numbed for too many years. Feeling better now (or at least for the moment). 😉 This early sobriety stuff is so healthy and so not easy!!!
Day 28 and feeling pretty good about things. Still keeping busy trying to keep my mind occupied on things other than drinking. Seems to be working. Heading to Nashville for a few days vacation. Things are going better with husband, not great but much better. I have also been binge watching The Last Kingdom.. That will definitely take your mind off of drinking.
Wow, can’t believe all of the new members. I remember when I found this site, I had just admitted to myself that I had a drinking problem and was trying to “go it on my own”. This site has been of tremendous help to me. I realized that this site was just one tool that I needed. After much thought I finally tried AA and it has also been a very helpful. I have had my ups and downs, more recently down. but today is day 14 and I am feeling better than I have at this point ever before. Hope everyone else finds the comfort and help that I have here. Welcome
On day 4 after starting over, and so far so good. For the first time in all of my starting over at day 1 I can honestly say that I am not thinking about drinking. I have worked out every day, have drank lots and lots of water have eaten healthier and have attended several AA meetings. Hope it sticks.
Things had been going great for me until this week, and I caved and had not one but several drinks. No excuses, just pissed at myself for giving in to temptation. Making more of an effort to get to AA meetings, which is easier now that school is out. I am trying to find things to keep me busy. Hope everyone else is staying on track.
Hi @craftygirl. Oh boy, I’m sorry to hear this mostly because I know it will give your husband ammunition to use against you. Please don’t let this crush you. What do you think was the catalyst? Is there anything we can do to better support you? Lots of self-care for you right now.
Dust it off @craftygirl and keep moving forward. It was just one day right, so leave it at that. Kicking yourself won’t help. Treat yourself kindly and for Gods sake don’t let that man bring you down! He’s lucky not to be tied up in a basement somewhere. Do this sober life for you because you are worth it!!!xo
Had a sober memorial day, a few tough moments when out for dinner at a family reunion, someone announced it was wine day, and everyone starting talking about what kind of wine they wanted. When asked what kind I wanted, I replied no wine for me just water. Luckily no one made a big deal out of it. I have been having some really good days. Looking forward to summer vacation and my last year of work before retiring. I realized some time ago that my relationship with my husband was one of the reasons I started drinking. I have been patient with him waiting for him to realize that I have really stopped drinking and am really trying to make a sober future. I asked him tonight if he thought we would ever have “a romantic moment” again and he said no. I asked if it was just with me or he didn’t want to have one (sex) with anyone, he said no one and got really upset and refused to talk about it. I am at the point of giving up. I can’t get him to talk to me about anything important. Any suggestions?
Hiya’ @Craftygirl, I missed you! I have no advice for you. This distance between you and your husband has been going on for quite some time. I can’t remember, does he work? I am really happy you are having some good days now. I hear some big warning bells when you mention retiring soon. I’d hate for you to be in a situation in which you are trapped forever with someone who won’t give you what you need and you are just miserable. You deserve so much more than that! He sounds like he needs counseling. He just sounds depressing, mean, controlling, and completely self-absorbed. Why is he staying put? Do you have any leverage in this union whatsoever? Kudos to you for continuing to go to meetings and build your self-worth. You are a shining star!
Not any suggestions, but understanding, not so much in the “romantic area”, however the constant “dismissal” attitude towards me. Yep I crawled into the wine every night to cope with the loneliness and rejection and guess what? That coping mechanism didn’t work… in fact made me even more anxious and depressed. The issues are still here..the wine bitch lies when she says it’ll be ok cause she’s here to help you out. Such bull crap! It’s so difficult to share a home with someone who ignores me and puts me down with his dismissal attitude, lonely for sure, but being sober it sure makes it easier. Dealing with the emotion of rejection is really tough now that I’m sober, but I’d rather feel the rejection sober than hung over. Keep putting one foot in front of the other, smile a lot and “act” instead of “react”, that’s what I’m working on now..good luck to you!
I am sorry you are suffering in your relationship @craftygirl. Are you getting some help or support through counselling for yourself? Loneliness in a close relationship is so hard and it is easy to think about solace in a bottle. Never works though in my experience it just keeps us stuck. I hope you can find some joy. I needed help when I gave up booze to plan my life and what I wanted from my partner and for myself. Thinking of you. Xx
Yesterday got off to a great start and ended not so great. I had asked hubby about Easter plans and he said he had not made any because if it was with his family I would either get upset or drunk. Hearing that made me upset. I get where he is coming from because his family always takes over when they are at our house and yes that does bother me. I have tried talking to him about that and it just doesn’t seem to soak in. I also get that he thinks I might drink and at one time I probably would have but I know that he can’t see that now that is not where I am. He could have worded his concerns a little better. I know that he won’t talk to me about it so I sent him an email this morning explaining how I felt and that I would like to know if he was ever going to get over the fact that I had a drinking problem and realize that it wasn’t something I did just to him. I also told him that I miss the relationship that we had in the past and I know I can’t turn the clock back, but I would hope we could both move forward and if he couldn’t move forward I wanted to know. I am sure that he will never respond to the email but it made me feel much much better.
I also have a ‘non communicating’ husband at times… even if he doesn’t respond… he still has heard your valid and genuine input… it will have a effect in his thoughts. Yay you tho…. u can now plan some plans U actually want to use you Easter for! X
First day of spring vacation. Meeting a friend for some fabric shopping. Really looking forward to that. Having a me day today. Trying to plan a few things for after I come back from mom’s to give myself something to look forward to. Still not excited about visiting home. It is hard to tell your 89 year old mom you don’t want to visit her, I am going to talk to her about the fact that the only reason she wants me to come is to work. I don’t know that it will do any good, at her age, but it will make me feel better.
Oh fabric shopping. My other addiction. Such fun. Sounds hard with your mum. Believe me age isn’t an excuse for their behaviour. They know what they are doing and use age as leverage. Honesty is the best policy.
Today is the last day of work before our spring break and I can’t wait for it to be over. I have been doing inventory this week, so I have kept really busy. I know that I should be excited, I have accomplished a huge task at work and am on vacation next week. I am not at all excited. I think I am on the verge of a panic attack. Hubby accused me of drinking last night.I went to sleep on the sofa last night right after diner, which I did when I was drinking. I was exhausted and have a cold which means I am on cold medication and it makes me feel funny sometimes. I feel like crap today, and woke up with a huge blood blister under my eye. I look like someone beat me up. I am not even excited about going to my mom’s next week. I feel like I am always doing what other people want me to and what I want to do last. I think I need help learning how to say no with a capital N. Going to a meeting tonight hopefully that will help.
So sorry @t crafty girl. Maybe you should take some of those days to pamper yourself. Rest and get well. Not sure what I’d say to the hubby but I’m sure it would not have been polite. (being sick and all) Meetings always seem to help but it also sounds like you really need some rest. xo
I feel like you really need some girl time. Do you have any girlfriends in your life? Someone you can meet on vacation for coffee? Can you go get a mani/pedi? Meet someone before or after a meeting for lunch? Does your husband (I won’t say hubby because that is endearing and I don’t think your’s is) EVER say anything nice to you? When I got sober I insisted my hubby (he is endearing) help me by helping us. He is. If he reverts back to extreme selfishness I tell him that’s why I drank in the first place and I can always start again. That shakes him up enough to get out of his own head.
oxoxoxox The word “No.” is a complete sentence and doesn’t require further explanations. oxoxoxxoxo Rest up and if possible, kindly ask your brain to postpone all “thinking-task-activity” until after your cold has passed. I always feel absolutely miserable when sick and it is remarkable how much easier and lighter it all is once my body is back to normal. This will pass. I promise. You will feel good again.
@craftygirl, slow down, take a deep breath and if you need to say no for you say no. I don’t know about you but sometimes when I’m going too fast in this rat race my brain is too and then I get anxious. That is my clue to slow down, go inward and just take some time out….have a bath at least and remember taking care of yourself in recovery is critical because without self care and sobriety you don’t have anything. Big hugs and hang in there!
Had a good Saturday, went to a meeting this morning, it was on Step 11. This step contains the St. Francis prayer: Lord make me an instrument of your peace Where there is hatred let me sow love Where there is injury, pardon Where there is doubt, faith Where there is despair, hope Where there is darkness, light And where there is sadness, joy O divine master grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console to be understood as to understand To be loved as to love For it is in giving that we receive it is in pardoning that we are pardoned And it’s in dying that we are born to eternal life This has always been one of my favorite prayers, I never knew it was used by AA. I have been doing a lot of thinking about this prayer today. I would love to be able to do all of these things. I try but I don’t think I am successful, especially with my husband. I have been trying not to let him get to me and just doing my own thing. For some reason the last few days I have been craving not booze but human contact and companionship. Part of this comes from the fact that week after next I will be going to my mom’s for my spring break. The only reason she wants me to come is so I can work around the house. I know she loves me, but I am always exhausted when I come back. She wants me to do all of her yard work and other things around the house. She has a huge yard. I guess I am feeling unloved and just want somebody to love me, for me. Not someone who can’t get over my drinking. I truly feel this time that I am on the right path. Every time I think about drinking I either exercise, or do something creative. It seems to be working, but it doesn’t take the place of a hug.
So many feelings reading your post @craftygirl. It’s a beautiful prayer and a really helpful principle, I’ve found; to give out what I most wanted others to give to me. It gave me a sense of agency I think, or something. Refocused my perspective. Mysterious how that works. At the same time….I don’t know if I’ll be able to express it well but there’s something around expectations we might not be aware of. Expectations like, if I do or be ‘this’, others will love me. In trying to give out, I had to be careful I was not trying to sidestep my own needs because it felt so unacceptable to prioritise them. I don’t know if this will make sense to you or resonate. But I read in your post an awareness that it’s not enough to be treated this way, and although it’s painful, I’m glad of that. It’s not enough and it’s completely reasonable and ok to need more. Perhaps we first have to acknowledge we’re starving before we can work out how to feed ourselves? I so admire how you’ve stuck at this. xx
Since you are a @craftygirl, you might like Unruffled. It’s all about creativity in recovery. Another one that’s new to me and that I like a lot is called Euphoria the podcast. Two warm and smart young women talk about recovery; they are approachable and intelligent and wise beyond their years. I relate to them even though I suspect they are something like 30 years younger than me. I could go on for days, as I am a podcast-junkie. Say the word if you need more ideas!
Great last few days, spent at a quilting retreat. Spent time with great friends and did some sewing. One of my best friends was there, don’t get to see her very often, it was great talking to her. She is one of the few friends that knows about my issues with drinking. I love talking to her, it always makes me feel better. I didn’t even think about drinking for the three days, even at the end of the day when a few people brought our their drinks. I wish I could feel that way everyday, maybe soon.
Crazy weather here in Atlanta, last week it was in the 70’s this morning it is 28. My emotions are going up and down like the weather. Most days I am good, but yesterday was one of those days when I could have easily stopped and had a few drinks. Crappy day at work, sometimes I get so tired of dealing with adults, why can’t I just deal with the kids all day, they are much easier. Also had news that two long time friends passed away, one from cancer, and the other from a massive heart attack, they were both my age. Makes you really think about how precious life is. I need to get my shit together and enjoy it to the fullest. Have a quilting retreat coming up starting tomorrow night really looking forward to that. Will be there until Sunday. Can’t wait to see good friends.
I always said that too, as a secondary headteacher, dealing with the kids was far easier than dealing with the adults! The quilting retreat sounds wonderful. Are you making something from scratch, taking along something you’ve already begun…? It’s ages since I made a quilt (got into weaving which took over).
New day, new month. Raining again in Atlanta this morning. Got the day off to a good start, meditation and even a little yoga. I want to do some reading on habits and how long it takes to break a habit anyone have any recommendations?
I have always said I was not a morning person and I still don’t think that I am; however I have started getting up earlier to pray and meditate for a while before I get my day started. I have only been doing it this week, but it is making me feel better. It feels strange, I guess like any new activity that you are trying to make a habit. I have just finished reading Sober Ever After, if you haven’t read it, it is a good read. I related to everything the author talked about.
I did something this morning that I have not done in years. I got down on my knees and prayed to God to give me strength to stop drinking. Every time I think that I have it under control I give in to temptation. I only had one drink last night but that was one drink too many. I plan on attending meetings each day for a while. I have got to get a better handle on this. I don’t like myself when I drink, but I don’t know who I am when I am not drinking, does that make sense to anyone. I am in so much emotional pain this morning. Hoping the day gets better.
Hey there @craftygirl. I am 30 plus days now and felt EXACTLY as you are feeling now. Wine was my master and the effects were so discouraging. I prayed like you did and I went to AA with desperate hope to stop. I have made a lot of meetings – my best friend of 25 years is sober so I speak to her every few days as a sponsor ( I sponsored her 25 years ago when she first stopped drinking). and I have prayed every morning to have another sober day. So far its working for me and I know it will work for you too.
That makes perfect sense, I kind of feel like I lost a little piece of myself every time I drank without realising it and now I’m left looking for what I lost. It’s hard and really painful. The folks here have been most helpful.
It was a beautiful day today, sunshine for the first time in over two weeks. Actually convinced hubby to go for a walk with me. Not exactly looking forward to heading back to work, oh well. Hope everyone had a great weekend,.