15 Years sober from 1987 ... the the beast (Gavin I call him) caught me unawares, ever so slowly and insidiously. I have been batting since on and off. Presently off and in desperate need to stay off before I lose all respect from my partner and four children. I miss it, I won't lie, bit I don't miss the lies, the contrived outings, the prison active drinking locks you in. Early days still, 11 in fact, but I believe I can beat Gavin when he sits on my shoulder, his addictive voice teasing me, and take the time to let my rational voice keep me safe until the craving passes.
I am so in limbo. Trying to focus on preparing to go away for two months. Leaving in three days. Hours spent trying to find a house sitter to look after our dogs and cat proving fruitless. Last minute let down by son’s friend who stayed with us while working the vintage, has left us with no option other than to board them with the neighbour at great expense. Bugger! I am already fretting over missing them. Can’t quite summon the energy to get on with the essentials. The highlight of my day was to catch the beauty of the autumnal colours – brilliant yellows and reds against the back drop of the mountains, on my way to the psychologist. Ironically my session with her was about staying in the present … not something I do with ease. I learned so much in my hour with her and feel so much better prepared for our trip. Simple ways to stay still and enjoy the here and now! It will take some practice. It is always so much more difficult to unlearn a behaviour than learn new ways of reacting. Still, progress is being made and I feel stronger each day I keep ‘Gavin’ muzzled. Up and at it … that’s me right now, before the evening dusk descends. Already in holiday mood I think … laid back and lazy … and sober!
Sounds like you’re striking some inspiration @Cowslip, right there at your fingertips. Bummer about last minute changes with house-pet sitter. S’pose placing them in a kennel situation could actually take the edge off fretting about them. You can be rest assured about their safety. “Gavin”, aye? I think someone else here calls ‘it’ by the name of Gavin as well. Heh..I dunno. Gaaav’in.
Not drinking is whats new. Day 10 and the fog is clearing and Gavin the beast on my shoulder) is finding it difficult to get his addictive voice going. I am busy … it helps!! I couldn’t be if I was drinking. I’d sit idly sipping possibly thinking about all the things I should be doing, the things I could be enjoying, the books I could be reading, the paintings I dream of painting, the writings I wish to immerse myself in. I’d be lying to my partner and all our kids, fooling none of them. I would numb out the pain and the angst, the disappointments and anger. But I am not sitting idly nor am I craving. I am busy packing for a holiday overseas. I’m scared of being out of my comfort zone, but relieved I am sober for the trip. I can envisage the unmitigated disaster my drinking would cause – even now while packing. I am looking forward to keeping a journal on my trip – musings and drawing! I will park my fears and worries, and try ever so hard to be the me I know is tucked away inside. The rational me ready to shout only at Gavin. I have known what 15 years sobriety gave me and I know what happened when I started listening to Gavin in a weak moment. I know the joy, the relief and happiness of sober free days. I am well ready to repeat them. x
Hi there @cowslip . Day 10, well done. I also gave my demon a name… “Eric” and I found it really useful to be able to explain to Eric what I didn’t want to hear from him. I’m pretty sure those around me thought I was losing it sometimes when I was re-educating him, but it was useful for me.
Heh- love it: Gavin. I do know a particularly vile and lush Gavin, so that name is perfect in my opinion. He’s pretty hefty though, due to massive amounts of food and alcohol. I wouldn’t want him on my shoulder 😉 and I don’t trust him as far as I could throw him. Well done you!!!
Yip, give ole Gav the boot – i just call mine the Wine Witch and she’s an evil bitch and every now and then she pops her head up and i’ve got to hit the shit out of her to drop her on her arse again lol. Wow, 15 years sober, i can only dream of that. 10 days is awesome – great work 🙂