• connilynn posted a new activity comment 6 hours, 15 minutes ago

    it’s a second marriage for both of us, so when the romance wore off I think I resorted to drinking to numb my irritation and just get through . We went to couples counseling about a year ago, which didn’t really help much. Somehow the counselor just allowed the discussion to stay on the surface and a lot of blame was tossed, which inflamed things more. I think he really believed if I would just stop drinking all would be cured, though I was drinking no more than I ever had. When he started counting bottles and keeping track I rebelled and started sneaking it, which resulted in me drinking much, much more. (It’s hard to hide 3/4 of a wine bottle, so I’d drink the whole thing and toss it). Also I started truly drinking alone, after he went to bed, so there was no one to talk to, no one to notice how drunk I was getting. So when I finally was honest with myself about how much I was drinking, it was 3 or 4 times over the amount recommended. I watched the UK doc, “Drinkers Like Me”, and learned about the sober curious movement. I decided to stop for 6 months and see how I feel. In answer to your question, I’m trying to be more present, more kind, and more patient with him. I see a therapist and would love if he did to work on adult child of alcoholic issues, but I’m not sure he sees the need. I don’t want to divorce and I don’t have to have a lusty relationship to be happy, but I want to like him and enjoy his company. And most important, I want to feel like I can grow with him.

    • Couples counselling is very difficult. I had heaps of counselling with my husband (my ex changed each time they got onto his behaviour), supposedly the best in the city, but now I know a bit more, I realise they had no idea what to do, and if anything, made things worse.
      A good EFT counsellor (Emotionally Focussed Therapy) knows exactly what to do and goes to the heart of the matter as quickly as a couple are able to allow it. The process would address the past, but with a present focus. It never allows/enables blame or much time on issues – the issues are just a springboard to the inner world of each person. A very beautiful thing to experience or watch. Where in the world are you? In NZ we used to be able to get 6 counselling sessions with the Family Court, but I think that is over now.

      Great work with stopping drinking – the greatest gift you can give yourself. And give time to your marriage, particularly dwelling on what attracted you in the first place, and the good times you have had. I did that for at least a year with my partner once I stopped. Gave him every chance to revive our good times. It failed, but the parting was very calm and thoughtful – loving in fact, and I have no regrets. (If I had been drinking it would probably have been a horrible, vicious nightmare as there were so many other stresses in the mix)

    • Hang in there. @connilynn I like that you’re trying to be more present, kind and patient with him. Maybe I need to do that, too. Also, I like what @morgan suggested: “dwelling on what attracted you in the first place, and the good times you have had.” I will implement that, too. Thank you both.

  • Checking in on day 24. Positives: I’ve lost a bit of weight, and I love how much more intense everything is- colors are brighter, food is tastier, I feel more grounded. I live for my late night runs with my sweet dogs. I never would’ve been able to do that while drinking!
    Not so positives: I’m realizing the awkward disconnect in my marriage is more worrisome when I’m not numbing out. I’m going to have to look at it and figure out a way to work on it. Has anyone else had problems like this? I think my husband (a teetotaler child of an alcoholic) is not sure what to do with himself either, since he can’t blame our distance on my alcohol any longer.

    • Yes! I’m right there with you. I’m on Day 31 and just started to realize exactly what you said in my own marriage this last week. It makes me wonder why I wanted to drink so much in the first place. What was I really trying to numb? Luckily my husband, who can drink moderately, is abstaining right now, too and we’re both going to therapy on our own (started recently). Him for depression and anxiety, me originally for alcohol, but who knows what else now that I’m not drinking? We’re both good at communicating and hope to figure it out. Thoughts on how you want to start to figure it out? @connilynn

      • it’s a second marriage for both of us, so when the romance wore off I think I resorted to drinking to numb my irritation and just get through . We went to couples counseling about a year ago, which didn’t really help much. Somehow the counselor just allowed the discussion to stay on the surface and a lot of blame was tossed, which inflamed things more. I think he really believed if I would just stop drinking all would be cured, though I was drinking no more than I ever had. When he started counting bottles and keeping track I rebelled and started sneaking it, which resulted in me drinking much, much more. (It’s hard to hide 3/4 of a wine bottle, so I’d drink the whole thing and toss it). Also I started truly drinking alone, after he went to bed, so there was no one to talk to, no one to notice how drunk I was getting. So when I finally was honest with myself about how much I was drinking, it was 3 or 4 times over the amount recommended. I watched the UK doc, “Drinkers Like Me”, and learned about the sober curious movement. I decided to stop for 6 months and see how I feel. In answer to your question, I’m trying to be more present, more kind, and more patient with him. I see a therapist and would love if he did to work on adult child of alcoholic issues, but I’m not sure he sees the need. I don’t want to divorce and I don’t have to have a lusty relationship to be happy, but I want to like him and enjoy his company. And most important, I want to feel like I can grow with him.

        • Couples counselling is very difficult. I had heaps of counselling with my husband (my ex changed each time they got onto his behaviour), supposedly the best in the city, but now I know a bit more, I realise they had no idea what to do, and if anything, made things worse.
          A good EFT counsellor (Emotionally Focussed Therapy) knows exactly what to do and goes to the heart of the matter as quickly as a couple are able to allow it. The process would address the past, but with a present focus. It never allows/enables blame or much time on issues – the issues are just a springboard to the inner world of each person. A very beautiful thing to experience or watch. Where in the world are you? In NZ we used to be able to get 6 counselling sessions with the Family Court, but I think that is over now.

          Great work with stopping drinking – the greatest gift you can give yourself. And give time to your marriage, particularly dwelling on what attracted you in the first place, and the good times you have had. I did that for at least a year with my partner once I stopped. Gave him every chance to revive our good times. It failed, but the parting was very calm and thoughtful – loving in fact, and I have no regrets. (If I had been drinking it would probably have been a horrible, vicious nightmare as there were so many other stresses in the mix)

        • Hang in there. @connilynn I like that you’re trying to be more present, kind and patient with him. Maybe I need to do that, too. Also, I like what @morgan suggested: “dwelling on what attracted you in the first place, and the good times you have had.” I will implement that, too. Thank you both.

    • Ditto here. My marriage changed a lot when we started working together, looking back that’s when I started drinking heavily. Now I still have all the stuff to deal with but no “anaesthetic” so to speak. Dealing with that bit is harder than not drinking, I’ve kinda got used to being sober but I’m still not used to the frustrations etc which come with living with your business partner who has forgotten you are actually his wife and not Mrs Fix It for his business. But this has helped. Thank you.

  • connilynn posted a new activity comment 6 days, 12 hours ago

    Are you “only” 138 days sober, or is that when you joined this forum? So often it seems like the good stuff is reported by the years-sober crew. I would love to think I could find a portion of your joy in 119 more days!

    • Hi @connilynn. That is a very kind and sweet thing to say. Thank you. You really nailed it for me … JOY. That’s exactly what I feel. Thank you.

      Yes. I decided that I will not drink again – ever – 138 days ago. And I have not regretted it even one time – not even on my shittiest days. Easy? No freaking way! It sucked ALOt in the beginning, but way better than the alternative ever was. I know that alcohol is fuse for me. One spark and it will explode all over again. There’s no in between – no ‘I’ll just have this one.’ Tried that, did that, failed that. ENOUGH OF THAT. So yeah. Even on my shitty days I feel joy. And you DEFINITELY will too – a little more every day. Guaranteed! Good luck my friend. Hang in. Reach out. Keep going. ENJOY!

  • connilynn posted a new activity comment 6 days, 23 hours ago

    Thanks @aprilsfool. I am a teeth grinder. I can’t wait to experience some of the wonderful sleep the af folks talk about. Not there yet.

    • Oh it’s coming. You just wait and see. Then the nights and the mornings all become one glorious thing. Restful sleep and clear guilt-free awakenings. Pure and absolute bliss 🙂

  • connilynn posted a new activity comment 6 days, 23 hours ago

    My restless legs are terrible, and always have been my whole life whether drinking or not. The only thing I’ve found that helps is exercise.

    • @connilyn, @whynot, @LeslieLily, we had a discussion a while ago about restless legs here. I also experienced that increasingly bad until the doc started me on mirapex 6 months in. That helped remarkably. Others used weighted blankets. After finding a problem in my right hip, I’ve just finished 2 months of intensive physical therapy and my restless legs symptoms have gone. My PT doubted I actually had rls when I was evaluated and his words ring in my ears. As long as I do my prescribed exercises I don’t get the symptoms. Drinking had masked the problem for decades.

  • connilynn posted a new activity comment 1 week ago

    “But slowly, everything is getting better as I address things too long neglected.” @whynot, that’s a perfect summation of what’s happening. I am so grateful to have this group, a great therapist, and my running to encounter each issue head on. They’re all familiar, but they’ve been pushed aside and literally drowned in 🍷 numbness. Now it’s here, asking to be dealt with. Time to deal.

  • connilynn posted a new activity comment 1 week ago

    You inspire me to take a vacation in solitude! I love how rich your experience has been, how you describe every sense, how calmly and securely you’re centered. Brava!

  • connilynn posted an update 1 week ago

    I am around 3 weeks sober and I find it interesting that almost every night I dream about drinking. And not in a good way. I dream that I find myself drinking (as opposed to choosing it) and I suddenly remember I promised myself 6 months sober and I feel extremely upset that I let myself down. It’s all regret. And headache. Every morning I wake up with a headache, worse than when I drank. I read about some others that had that problem. Any idea why?

    • Around a month into sobriety I also would have trouble sleeping and sometimes wake up with a headache. I don’t have drinking dreams every night, but I do have them occasionally. Mostly I drink to make some social interaction go more smoothly. My interpretation for myself is that I’m processing, learning how to deal with sobriety. On my 12th week now and kind of frustrated that I still feel edgy and rarely feel relaxed when I wake up. But slowly, everything is getting better as I address things too long neglected.

      • “But slowly, everything is getting better as I address things too long neglected.” @whynot, that’s a perfect summation of what’s happening. I am so grateful to have this group, a great therapist, and my running to encounter each issue head on. They’re all familiar, but they’ve been pushed aside and literally drowned in 🍷 numbness. Now it’s here, asking to be dealt with. Time to deal.

    • I don’t know why, but I experienced that a lot too. I would try and lie in bed and just absorb a very grateful feeling that I hadn’t actually drunk. maybe need to be drinking a bit more water or taking vitamins? I went through a medical detox and they prescribed vitamins because often we strip ourselves of some of them (Bs? I can’t remember which ones) when we drink. Well done on 3 weeks sober!.

    • I was waking up with a headache every morning too, which was really discouraging!! Honestly, I’ve noticed within the last couple of days, I’m starting to wake up without one. I don’t have drinking dreams, but I do have night time annoyances I didn’t have when drinking – restless legs for one! @whynot said it best – everything is getting better, very slowly.

      • Oh, yes. Restless legs. errrrrg! Happily, that too passed.

      • My restless legs are terrible, and always have been my whole life whether drinking or not. The only thing I’ve found that helps is exercise.

        • @connilyn, @whynot, @LeslieLily, we had a discussion a while ago about restless legs here. I also experienced that increasingly bad until the doc started me on mirapex 6 months in. That helped remarkably. Others used weighted blankets. After finding a problem in my right hip, I’ve just finished 2 months of intensive physical therapy and my restless legs symptoms have gone. My PT doubted I actually had rls when I was evaluated and his words ring in my ears. As long as I do my prescribed exercises I don’t get the symptoms. Drinking had masked the problem for decades.

    • Hi @connilyn. I had a bunch of mysterious aches and pains for about the first month or two. It’s kind of like everything inside me needed to reboot once the alcohol stopped flowing. I think the headache is probably connected to the stress of the dreams you’re having. Grinding your teeth maybe? Even just tensing up in your sleep. I think it was my body getting even with me for drowning it in wine for so long. Keep going. You’re doing great!!

      • Thanks @aprilsfool. I am a teeth grinder. I can’t wait to experience some of the wonderful sleep the af folks talk about. Not there yet.

        • Oh it’s coming. You just wait and see. Then the nights and the mornings all become one glorious thing. Restful sleep and clear guilt-free awakenings. Pure and absolute bliss 🙂

  • connilynn posted a new activity comment 1 week, 6 days ago

    Thanks @noodle71! I’m enjoying this site a lot!

  • connilynn posted a new activity comment 2 weeks, 1 day ago

    @leslielily, if I lose track for even a minute that this is my autonomous decision and I’m choosing it to make my live better, I just want to drink. Maybe it’s stubborness, maybe it’s immaturity, but I need this to be something I’m doing for me.

  • connilynn posted a new activity comment 2 weeks, 1 day ago

    So good to know that! It does make sense. I’m excited to continue to cleanse my body of any remaining alcohol toxins. And heal.

    • GOOD for you! I’m glad it helped. Yes, keep on going. Just remember then next 3-5 days will be the end but you might get those visceral cravings because of it. They can just hit…I’ve only had it happen twice in 8 months after I got past your point though so it won’t happen a lot I’m sure. You are doing wonderfully.

  • connilynn posted a new activity comment 2 weeks, 1 day ago

    I find reading so comforting. I can wonder how I’m going to manage without going out to buy wine and then I start a book and – poof, it’s time to go to bed. I don’t always read quit lit, but when things are tough it really helps.

  • connilynn posted an update 2 weeks, 1 day ago

    Day nine was today, and for the first time I had an almost visceral yearning for the taste of red wine. It came out of the blue, with no forethought, almost shocking in its intensity. That was when I thought of Victoria Valli’s advice to HALT (ask yourself if you’re hungry, angry, lonely, or tired). I realized I hadn’t eaten and was feeling stressed and anxious. It went away when I took the time to eat and made the phone calls I’d been putting off to resolve a few things. If I had had wine like I wanted, it would’ve tasted great, but then I would’ve gotten drunk quickly (on an empty stomach), forgotten about what I needed to do, and most likely lost the rest of the day. I may not be wildly happy sober, but I’m taking better care of myself.

    • Well done, it hit me a bit today as well. That HALT thing makes sense and helps bring some clarity, tomorrow will be brighter.

    • It’s so weird when that happens but I know that by day 10-12 you will have fully detoxed physically so it makes sense that your body is shouting out one last time for it! Great job on keeping the momentum to day 10! HALT always works for me.

      • So good to know that! It does make sense. I’m excited to continue to cleanse my body of any remaining alcohol toxins. And heal.

        • GOOD for you! I’m glad it helped. Yes, keep on going. Just remember then next 3-5 days will be the end but you might get those visceral cravings because of it. They can just hit…I’ve only had it happen twice in 8 months after I got past your point though so it won’t happen a lot I’m sure. You are doing wonderfully.

    • I’m not wildly happy at the moment either, but your are so right that though it tastes great, it makes us lose site of everything else that’s important. I honestly was not even sure I had a real problem until now – on day four when I realize how often I’m thinking about drinking and how annoyed I am that I committed to not doing so! Can’t wait for the annoyance to turn to appreciation…

      • @leslielily, if I lose track for even a minute that this is my autonomous decision and I’m choosing it to make my live better, I just want to drink. Maybe it’s stubborness, maybe it’s immaturity, but I need this to be something I’m doing for me.

    • Great work! HALT was – and continues to be my first my ‘go to’ tool whenever an urge hits. Keep going. They become less and less, but when they do hit, they’re easier to knock away when you can figure out what may have brought it on. For me it’s usually one of those.

  • connilynn posted a new activity comment 2 weeks, 2 days ago

    There’s no doubt, for me at least, that sadness and despair are much more painful sober. That’s why I love to drink- it numbed me and made things more tolerable. So don’t think there’s anything wrong with you if you haven’t been happy sober, especially if you’ve been facing difficult family challenges. So you drank a few glasses of wine, so what? It might’ve been extremely important that you try that solution to find that it doesn’t work for you anymore. And now move on, right?

  • connilynn posted a new activity comment 2 weeks, 2 days ago

    What a great place you’re in (both physically and mentally). Congratulations on well-earned joy. Oh, James Taylor is one of the greatest artists of the last three generations: always growing, always authentic, always evolving as a writer and player. Enjoy!

  • connilynn posted a new activity comment 2 weeks, 2 days ago

    I see you’re from Tennessee too! I’ve been to Jackson many times.

    • Hey that’s great. I live between Jackson and Lexington. what part of Tennessee are you at? I moved here 2 years ago from Texas. Most of the friends I have are people I have met in the bars so I won’t be seeing them much anymore. I have met a few good people on biker charity rides. Hope to hear from you soon.
      stay strong

  • connilynn posted a new activity comment 2 weeks, 2 days ago

    Thanks @jesse58! That’s me and mini-me, I.e. my granddaughter. A lot of the reason I’ve made this decision is to be more present with her and her baby brother.

  • connilynn posted a new activity comment 2 weeks, 3 days ago

    Thanks @kitten! You’ve got a big soberversary coming up! Congrats!

  • connilynn posted a new activity comment 2 weeks, 3 days ago

    This Easter, so a couple of months. But then I went right back to my nightly 🍷, and I don’t seem able to stop at one glass.

  • Seventh day of sobriety, this round. Doesn’t feel like any big deal cause I didn’t drink during lent. This time my intention is to go 6 months. Then I’ll check out how I feel.

  • connilynn changed their profile picture 2 weeks, 4 days ago

    • Great profile picture. Very cute

      • Thanks @jesse58! That’s me and mini-me, I.e. my granddaughter. A lot of the reason I’ve made this decision is to be more present with her and her baby brother.

      • I see you’re from Tennessee too! I’ve been to Jackson many times.

        • Hey that’s great. I live between Jackson and Lexington. what part of Tennessee are you at? I moved here 2 years ago from Texas. Most of the friends I have are people I have met in the bars so I won’t be seeing them much anymore. I have met a few good people on biker charity rides. Hope to hear from you soon.
          stay strong

  • connilynn changed their profile picture 2 weeks, 4 days ago

  • connilynn became a registered member 2 weeks, 6 days ago