• Today will be my first day sober. I don’t think I have ever taken it this seriously before. But I genuinely believe my husband will leave me if I don’t – and I absolutely HATE who I am when I am drinking. Last night started well, as it usually does. Friends, food, conversation. But I just don’t have an off switch sometimes. I didn’t eat much, drank SO much wine and by the time midnight rolled around I was in tears, called my Dad and was rude to him (although don’t even remember calling him) and my husband told me this morning that I was saying I wanted to hurt myself. It’s rock bottom really. Although I have been here many times before. It does feel different this time though. I don’t think I have ever felt it was that bad a problem. But I can see now that it really is and I don’t want to live with the guilt, embarrassment and anxiety anymore. I’m worried about how I will manage this. Right now, it just feels super hard and I have a lifetime of drinking memories that are going to be hard to shake and forgive myself for. I think that is why I let myself off the hook and haven’t taken it seriously before. Because I just class myself as a ‘drinker’ and that I don’t have the will power to change this cycle. I guess I just have to start somewhere and make it my most pressing goal in life!

    • Hey there 😊 sounds as though you’re in the right place. Take it easy on yourself gently does it. Baby steps incremental progress new memories. I wouldn’t go back to drinking if you paid me, my life has improved in so many ways and Im only a month shy of two years, so I guess I’m trying to say it can be done and it is worth it on every level

    • Hi clouisec … it’s a tough place to be but you are at the start of an exciting change in your life. Believe me, things can only get better from here!

      Now listen, you need a plan. How are you going to get through these early, difficult days? Nice snacks, yummy alcohol free (AF) drinks, a friend to call, check in here every day, encouraging books to read, lots of enjoyable activities in a list so you can look at it and pick one when you’re having cravings or feeling bad…

      I always say if you don’t have a plan, that’s a plan to drink.

      We’re all here for you – you can do it!

    • I’m Glad you are here. We’ve all been where you are. Lots.of good pointers here for you, and lots of love and encouragement.💚

      • Hi @clouisec ….. come and join us ……I’m just starting out and totally hear you as I walk the same path of hating myself for my terrible drinking choices and inability to know when to stop …… a big warm welcome aboard x

    • Hi @clouisec I understand every word of what you say here and feel for you… been there, done that, bought the tee-shirt, made a mess of it and had to buy another one! It is all so familiar. For years I was on a merry-go-round of getting more drunk often that I wanted to, saying and doing things I didn’t want to, determining that I wouldn’t drink as much next time, then doing it again all over again. I’d stop drinking after some appalling incident but then within two or three days it would be “you’ve done well, you deserve a drink!”… and I’d be off the rails again. Eventually it came to the point that it just had to stop. I couldn’t even tell you precisely WHAT it was that had to stop, everything in my life was a mess, but it just all had to change, and my drinking was obviously at the heart of so many of my problems somewhere. But I didn’t have a clue how to actually pull this off… not drinking. Everything I knew about stopping drinking was that I couldn’t do it. But I was wrong. I was wrong about so much when it came to alcohol. I thought drinking was fun… it wasn’t, those those days were long gone. Drinking had stopped being fun years ago. I thought if I tried harder I could control it, but I couldn’t. I thought drinking made me sociable, but it made me a fool. Alcohol actually had no redeeming qualities for me at all beyond the sense of relief I got on taking that first drink… from then on it was all bad news. But I still carried on drinking. In the end I drank, because I drank, because I drank. Regardless of what my head was saying there WAS no good reason to drink, but I did it anyway. But if you told me I had to stop then I would argue black is white that I didn’t need to. I was wrong about that too… I DID need to stop, I just couldn’t accept it, and I didn’t know how to do it even if I did.

      I didn’t know it was possible to stop drinking… but it is; lots of people do it and the people that manage to stop drinking do not possess some strength of char…[Read more]

    • @clouisec I’m so happy you are here….this is a great opportunity to go AF for yourself and no one else. Doing this will help you be the healthy person you want and deserve to be and you will know you did all you could for your marriage as well. Just be focused on it for you…..when you get better everything will get better and you will have a whole new world. Again, I’m so happy for you! Looking forward to hearing your journey one day at a time. xoxoxox

    • Youve started on your recovery @clouisec. Congratulations. I was where you are 2 weeks ago. Hate myself soooooo much. We can do this.

    • Think of it as a mountain you have to climb. 1foot in front of the other plus you need a really…fuck off attitude as well. Xo

  • clouisec posted a new activity comment 2 months, 4 weeks ago

    Thank you.

  • clouisec became a registered member 2 months, 4 weeks ago