• I can’t take the negotiating anymore. It hit me so strongly today as I sat agonizing over the negotiation with myself, will I drink? Will I not drink? When will I drink? Will I be able to stop after one, two, etc.? It was such a freeing moment when I remembered that I wouldn’t have to do any of that if I just didn’t drink. When I had some time sober, I rememberer how nice it was to not have to worry about any of that nonsense, torture actually, going on in my brain. It’s both such an unconscious and conscious process that is ultimately so exhausting and degrading. I am desperate to not drink today and yet terrified that in this moment I feel that, but by tonight it will be a different story. But if I can remember tonight, that tonight will inevitably lead to feeling this way again tomorrow maybe I can hold out. All it takes is one or two days of not drinking to remember how good it feels to not drink. I need to be accountable somewhere and I think I am going to start checking in every day here, even if only for myself. Thank you to anyone who reads this. I am just so tired of feeling this way and wishing I was no longer alive.

    • yes do check in every day, and I totally understand about the endless negotiating. People who don’t struggle with booze don’t understand the huge space it takes up in our brains when we’re endlessly wrestling with ourselves not to drink the stuff, and the endless wall of words (cravings) that we get internally when we first quit. The good news is that after a while of stopping that internal struggle goes away! I don’t spend any time trying to convince myself to drink any more! Complete freedom. Hang in there, it will get easier I promise. x

    • I totally resonate, I was that way for almost 3 decades. Something eventually snapped and I got to your stage and chose to live. It was a flippant choice I really didn’t care at that time either way, but I gave it a solid go, black or white, on or off. I chose on. How selfish and narrow minded alcohol makes us. What a pissing mess, an excuse to exist we become. Be stronger, braver, cooler, better than that f*****g poison in a bottle that has probably already robbed you of so so much. Reach deep down and win this bloody war. Laugh at it, recognise it for the evil manipulative piece of bullshit it is. It angers me to think how important it used to be. Like some fu***ng creepy abusive family member that no-one else can see how dangerous and destructive it can be. Excuse my rant and language, but I hope that helps!! That’s my take on the creep in the bottle anyway! Ugh get outta my head and outta my life. We got this! Xx

    • Can so relate. Have just read Mrs D article about Not taking notice about what other’s think about us and in the article she mentions about that endless BS dialogue you have to go through with yourself every day and we’ve all done it. Shall I drink? Am I really that bad? Well, yes we are and not drinking is the most liberating experience I’ve ever had in my life. Hang tight, Check in here as often as you need to and vent away. There’s always someone here. Make a plan for when that time of the day comes around when you’re most vulnerable – have a AF drink, go for a walk, read a book, take a bath. Whatever it takes to not drink. You got this xox

    • I spent well over a year (maybe even two, can’t remember exactly), with this endless negotiating and worry in my brain. Distracting me from my family, my friends, my hobbies and literally everything else I enjoy in life. It was taking up so much mental space. For me, when I finally stopped, my mental space was then almost entirely consumed with thoughts of wanting to drink and knowing I wasn’t going to and that was brutal too. That is the hard part, and was the most difficult for me. That lasted at least a good two weeks, and was just no fun at all. It was balanced by the good feeling of waking up sober and hangover free, so I focused on that!! Now – it’s been almost two months and I promise you, the negotiating with yourself ends and your mental capacity for life and everything else around you grows and grows. I am currently feeling great relief to be free of this struggle. I promise you, the difficult part is so so worth it. Hang in there and post alllll the time. You will find SO much support here to help you through your worst struggles.

    • YES! The negotiating! It’s maddening. I am right there, too. Thinking in the afternoon, I could probably have a drink? Nope, I can’t – that would start me on the hamster wheel of disappointment and disgust with myself. You can do this – I believe the rest of the posters here – it will get better – you can do this!

    • hi christym47 … i heard you say “wishing i was no longer alive”. are you actually ok? are you safe? are you thinking about hurting yourself?

      i get it re the endless self-negotiations too. that’s why i’m alcohol free, i haven’t got enough headspace for that endless shit.

      i hope you’re ok, let us know how you’re doing.

    • Hope your okay. The mental argument does my head in, I’m 5.5 years sober and I do it width junk food. So I am learning at the moment to just name the thoughts and let them go eg ah there’s that thought again about eating chocolate, oh hello thought ohh I’m being hard on myself. That’s helping me I got it from the book Happiness Trap

    • I’ll be 3 years sober in less than a month and I can say, hands down, the BEST thing about sobriety is that I’m free from that mental angst … will I drink tonight or won’t I, how much, who will notice, should I have a spare bottle in the cupboard to replace what I drank … on and on and on. You are a prisoner right now of the booze but you CAN break free. Stay close here for help.

  • christym47 posted a new activity comment 1 month ago

    Thank you all for your responses. I can’t tell you the joy I felt when I opened my email and saw that you all had taken the time and care to welcome me! I’m excited to have found this community and am looking forward to exploring!

  • christym47 posted an update 1 month ago

    I just signed up and wanted to say hello. I am brand new to online support so not totally sure how to use it, but I think the first step is saying that I am here, I am desperate to stay sober and I know I can’t do it alone. I am coming off a relapse and need support getting through the first days again. Any words of wisdom and support would be much appreciated. Thank you!

    • You have come to a great place @christym47. My decision to join was life changing. Make sure to check in daily. Check out the entire site. Mrs-D’s blog and Sober Toolbox are 2 of my favorites. Don’t be afraid to share your feelings and challenges. Lots of understanding and support will come back to you. Glad you joined us!

    • Hi @christym47 You have found an amazing and supportive community. Welcome and keep us up to date on your progress! We are happy to offer all the support we can.

    • Such a great place to be! I can honestly say that this site really DID change my life. Welcome!

    • Welcome here @christym47 it’s amazing how much you learn just reading posts and their replies. Every aspect of addiction and sobriety comes up at some point and is discussed frankly. Right now be good to yourself, stay hydrated, eat as healthy as you can, if you feel you need to climb in bed at 6:00 PM (and circumstances allow) – do it. I set myself a 30 day challenge to start, carried no cash for weeks to lessen temptation, got into my pajamas as soon as I got home and drank oceans of tea. I found keeping a journal really helpful, every day I would just unload on paper plus list a few things I was grateful for that day to remind myself that it was not all bad.
      As SteveF said, come here and share, everyone has the best interest of everyone else at heart, it’s a wonderful community.

    • @chrisym47. Like @stevef said. Use the whole site. Mrs d has put together quite a bit of information. Check in often and do nt pick up the drink. Look forward to seeing u here.

    • Welcome you have found a great place.

    • You’re absolutely right, @christym47, in that nobody should have to do this alone. You can do this, seems you did it before, so you can do it again. We’re cheering for you! My method was pretty simplistic; stay busy in the evening, read “getting sober” books, and I went to bed earlier for a while. And be proud of each sober day.

    • Glad you’re here! This place has been a game changer on my recovery journey. I had tried so many times in the past to get and stay sober and the longest I ever went was 9 months. The support here is amazing. Stay close. 😊❤️

  • christym47 became a registered member 1 month ago

    • Thank you all for your responses. I can’t tell you the joy I felt when I opened my email and saw that you all had taken the time and care to welcome me! I’m excited to have found this community and am looking forward to exploring!