• Bobby posted an update 1 month, 2 weeks ago

    I was successfully sober last night at my sister’s. No-one asked or mentioned it. Feeling pretty happy about it. My parents seem fine and happy to carry on as before. Thank you for all replies. I am just not ready to talk to anyone about it all as yet. I want a good stretch of sober time behind me, rather than a collection of days here and there. X

    • Totally got you!! I felt (and still feel) exactly the same way. For me it’s personal. I don’t want it to be the topic of conversation or to have to explain anything to anyone. I’ll do it if/when I feel like I want to. Good for you. Wrap yourself in your own personal congratulatory celebration. That’s a gift in itself from you to you.

    • Way to go, Bobby!!!!
      oxxoxo

    • Nice job!

    • Hey Bobby.

      I’ve been traveling and missed this post. Yeaaaahhhh for you!
      I’ve never been a social media person, believing that keeping things Face to Face is important. But having joined this site I can say that I have come to really care about so many people, and to be invested in their journeys. You are in my thoughts.

  • Bobby posted an update 1 month, 2 weeks ago

    I am off to visit my sister till Friday (it’s weds in the UK), my parents are staying too. It is the first time that I have seen them since I caused the terrible upset and hurt my mum. I am nervous, but pushing it to the back of my mind. There will be wine there in the evenings, I do not want any. I have a reason to hand to explain why I am not drinking. My B12 jab is due and I already feel a bit ropey. This is actually true. I am hoping it will be enough to prevent intrusive questions. I may need some support and encouragement these next few days!! X

    • Good luck @Bobby. Please check in whenever you feel like you need a boost. We’re here for you. Just please keep being true and kind to yourself. You’ll get through this.

    • I’m here for you stay strong

    • Have you thought of just telling the truth? They must know you have a problem with alcohol. It could be very freeing for all of you if you show some genuine humility and ask for their support @Bobby. Just a thought. X

      • I second what @prudence said!

      • That is exactly where I was going in my thoughts dear @Bobby. Maybe this would give you the connection which would help you become stronger and really break the cycle you have been in. Why would you not tell them exactly how it is? Especially having hurt them so much. Then they could do some research and grow in understanding.

    • A face to face heartfelt apology and an honest talk about your struggle are maybe in order? I’m going on vacation with my sister and plan on opening up to her about what’s been going on for the last few years and it’s a bit nerve wracking thinking about it, but I know there will be a sense of relief on the other side.

  • Bobby posted an update 1 month, 2 weeks ago

    Drinking has left me feeling like a washed-out, pudgy, 40 year old frump. It has taken the place of so many other things I want: to be thinner, healthier, to swim, have massages, run, get outside, visit galleries, look well-groomed, finally tidy my bedroom. Ironically my drinking stems from wanting to “go out”, put on something nice, look stylish and go somewhere chi chi. In reality, drinking means half the time I look tired, bloated and scruffy. It leeches money, which could be spent on the things I want to be/have. My drinking problem originates in hanging out in wine bars. I can absolutely not have wine when I am at home. In fact my boyf, has just poured himself a glass and I have no urge to drink any of it. I have to remember that I like being at home. It is possible to go out for the afternoon, not drink and come home for a yummy dinner, rather than round off the day with wine, which inevitably ends up with me getting wasted and blacking out. I need to re-think how I go out and replace the wine bar with other social activities. It has become a lazy habit, it seems to be the main goal let’s hang out in a trendy bar, but it is anything but. It is so utterly the opposite of how I want to look, be and feel.

    • You are singing my song Bobby. Hang in there. Distract yourself and don’t let the wine witch start whispering in your ear. Tell her forcefully to leave you alone as you have a better plan for yourself. Writing as you did is a great way of seeing what is going on and where you want to be. You can do this!!!

    • Brilliant description and analysis. I have never had the $$$ to hang out in bars, or really even to eat out, so I realise it is not a luxury I have missed but a blessing! I am always so appalled at the price of a drink – used to calculate how many to make up a bottle, better to go to the supermarket … but not really

  • Bobby posted an update 1 month, 2 weeks ago

    So yesterday was AF and it was a lovely day. I did a heap of gardening, then a long soak in the bath, I finished my book and had scrummy sweet potato and spinach lasagne. Today I plan to go for a run, pot a few more things in the garden and maybe go watch some cricket late this afternoon. It will be AF today. Some things I read here struck home 1. About the addict voice telling us/me to enjoy the moment and live in the now – have a drink, enjoy the present. My brain did that a lot. Playing it forward will be important here. 2. To be excited about healing, I hadn’t thought about it that way, but it is true! I should REALLY excited about bining all that negative shit drinking gives me. I can’t handle alcohol and that is final. I don’t get cravings or urges, there is alcohol here and I have no urge to drink it. But when my crafty brain tells me, have a glass of wine, my post-op stomach can’t handle it, I end up inebriated, lose inhibition and the ability to regulate, then end up wasted, then blacked out. Imagine a life free of that! Heaven! Like Einstein said, madness is doing the same thing over and expecting a different result. So Bobby, how about you try life differently? Allow yourself to be happy Bobby. X

    • Love it happy bobby,xx.

    • You are so deserving of happiness. oxoxox SO deserving!
      I am reading a book about ambivalence right now and in it they talk about how the more directive we ourselves or others ask us to change, the LESS likely we are to change. This includes addiction. The more compassionate and supportive we and others are, the MORE like we are to reach that state of intrinsic motivation. I remember when I was “should-ing” myself into sobriety and kept lapsing and “whatever, fuck it, I’ll drink tonight because….XYZ bullshit reason I came up with”. Once I came at it from a loving and caring perspective….drinking made less sense, less fun, and I realized it wasn’t what I truly wanted to do anymore.
      The book also stresses how very very few people decide to get sober and stay sober right away. It is a journey of normal lapses and relapses most people go through. Once you reach 30 days of sobriety, your chances of being sober long-term go up a TON….so maybe that could be a gentle goal for now. 30 days and then you reassess. If that feels right. And you don’t have to decide today, or tomorrow, or next week or month. Just an idea.

      oxxooxoxo

      You got this.

  • Bobby posted an update 1 month, 2 weeks ago

    AF day done. Productive it was too. X

  • Bobby posted an update 1 month, 2 weeks ago

    Yesterday was AF, and so will be today. I showed my friend the email to my boss and his replies and he thinks I am worrying about nothing…. Anxiety getting the better of me. Alcohol just fuels that. I had a much nicer day pottering around shops and making a large nicoise salad. Today it is gardening, a bath and a sweet potato and spinach lasagne. I know the reason why I lapse, it is thoughts telling me “I won’t over do it this time” “it will be fine” “I will only have a couple”, ignoring the vast wealth of evidence to the contrary and ignoring how much happier I am without it. I was so much happier yesterday, mooching round charity shops, I got some fabulous retro 1960s Danish coffee tables! I ate healthily read and relaxed. Today will be the same. I need to make a commitment, I quit smoking 5 years ago, I quit sugar in tea 2 months ago, I can and do make good decisions and stick to them. This one is so much harder. It is funny though, if I don’t start on the wine I am fine… Boyf can have a few glasses and I don’t get urges or cravings I am happy to refrain, I don’t want it or miss it. If I start, that can lead to misery, I don’t want this lifestyle anymore. All the things I want, weight loss, money saved, peace of mind, relaxation, more time etc can be achieved by ditching the booze. I can’t handle it anymore, with just half a stomach I get pissed far too quickly then my judgement is impaired and I JUST DON’T WANT IT ANYMORE. I read posts here, and I want what you guys have, yet seem to fail to achieve it. But I will achieve it today.

  • Bobby posted a new activity comment 1 month, 3 weeks ago

    My anxiety today is through the roof. Am terrified I have got myself into trouble at work, with an impertinent email I sent whilst drinking. I am possibly worrying about nothing, but I am always anxious anyway and stupid drinking just makes it worse and I put myself in situations that cause me to worry. Jesus constant constant anxiety ALL THE TIME. I wish I wasn’t so sensitive and apprehensive all the bloody time. And stupid fucking drinking just makes it worse.

  • Bobby posted an update 1 month, 3 weeks ago

    I have to sort myself out. I am so fed up of drinking. I am disappointed with myself this morning. I sent an email to my line manager which was perhaps a little too direct, I fell asleep on the sofa and bits of the evening I don’t remember. FFS. I tired of spending days feeling ashamed and worried. Today is going to be AF. I think that I still haven’t accepted that I can’t drink anymore, despite all the evidence. I need some tlc today.

    • Alcohol will pull every trick in the book to wear you down, @Bobby. It’s a liar. Can you do something low-stress and easy today? Maybe baby yourself a whole bunch?? Anything to get you through? On your side.

    • oxxoxox I am so very proud of you Bobby. You don’t give up.
      You reflect on yourself. And this insight has to come from within. Most of us got and stayed sober once we accepted drinking wasn’t working anymore. I want you to experience this safe bliss that sobriety is. A hard journey, but worthwhile and safe. Something alcohol never will be.
      oxxoxox
      It will be ok.

      • My anxiety today is through the roof. Am terrified I have got myself into trouble at work, with an impertinent email I sent whilst drinking. I am possibly worrying about nothing, but I am always anxious anyway and stupid drinking just makes it worse and I put myself in situations that cause me to worry. Jesus constant constant anxiety ALL THE TIME. I wish I wasn’t so sensitive and apprehensive all the bloody time. And stupid fucking drinking just makes it worse.

    • Not been in here for a while, but seem to remember your issues with last job. Tell you this now, if your still teaching not many times you can fuck up, here in nz that is. Here in NZ each fuck up goes to teachers council disciplinary hearing. Not being mean, but seems you do muck up, is teaching,, if your still doing it for you ? It took me many goes to give up, but fabulous principal at that stage said it straight, your clever teacher when your on, shit when your not. Resounding omg moment. So a clever teacher or passable. Your choice with awesome lol kiwi guy in tow. If my guy, i would be kicked to curb if still on piss. Think you need to choose, life, grab it by the balls and grab it by a inner battle, that seems to me a viscious cycle. Think your adult enough for this, or maybe not. Overstepped boundary, but hey its janus. Xo

    • @bobby i have so been there. And i am the same way. Sensitive and anxious. Always worrying. And the drinking made it SO much worse. Waking up in horror the next day after blacking out to see the nonsense i was doing on my phone. One time i called my boss and quit my job drunk. I had very little recollection of this the next day. But woke up with awful anxiety and that horrible sinking feeling i had done something really stupid. Wish i could say i turned my life around after that. But that is not the case. I know how hard it is. U can SEE all the reasons u shouldn’t be drinking. But it’s just so damn easy to give in to the allure of alcohol. I think u are strong for coming right back here and u are able to see things clearly for what they are. I think that’s a step in the right direction for sure. Sending positive vibes your way…🙏💗✌

  • Bobby posted a new activity comment 1 month, 3 weeks ago

    Hi @morgan boyf would be very supportive. I think I need to be more honest with him with what I want to achieve.

  • Bobby posted an update 1 month, 3 weeks ago

    I made a bad and stupid decision on Sunday eve, which resulted in not going to work yday. This was partly cos of my cold, partly because I felt yuck after drinking. I was angry with myself. On the AF days I felt well put together, in control, calm, happy, responsible, present and with a sense of achievement. I had non of that yday. I am back on my way to work now. Still feel grim from my cold. Lots of coughing. But am hoping to get those positive feelings back. Yday was AF. Today will be too x

  • Bobby posted an update 1 month, 4 weeks ago

    It is 9.40pm I am still on my way home from work. 20 mins from home. I left the house at 6.50am. A LONG LONG day. I am tired, my throat kills, I have lurgy, I feel ropey, but I won’t drink. Pizza, sparkling water, kiss boyfriend, then bed to sleep. X

  • Bobby posted an update 1 month, 4 weeks ago

    I had a bit of wine last night, didn’t want the rest so gave it to my boyf. I caved in to the “I feel rubbish, got lurgy, I deserve a glass of wine” mantra. Then my brain switched on and realised that was the last thing I needed. So although I still have an awful cold, I am not hungover or dehydrated. X

    • Well done for managing to stop from going further. How you would be feeling today if you’d got drunk? Top result.

    • So good not to feel hungover. Hold on to that feeling. Can you replay it to yourself before you open the fridge/bottle? Get rid of that wine witch at the earliest sign of her lies in your ear!

    • so this is a trigger for you bobby. something to learn from and remember next time. it helps you plan to stay AF – if i feel sick, i’m more vulnerable to ending up drinking. plan accordingly.

      and well done stopping before it got to hangover material 👍🏼

    • A trigger to be aware of. Well done on stopping though 🙌 you will be much stronger when the bubbles brain appears xx

    • @bobby – glad you had self-awareness and glad you are here! This Naked Mind by Annie Grace was so impactful for me with my thinking.

  • Bobby posted an update 2 months ago

    Another AF day done! Sensible decisions in order to best look after myself as I do a busy week while feeling under the weather. Much greater peace of mind at the moment. Less negativity and I have a stronger sense of purpose, achievement and self value. My inner monologue is no longer berating me for being useless by drinking again and making that choice which I know is stupid. The inner monologue can still be a bitch, but it has eased up a little! X

    • yay bobby! you’re even posting in longer sentences! that’s a funny observation, isn’t it? LOL

    • JM replied 2 months ago

      Fantastic, Bobby! : )

    • Awesome @bobby! You’ve got this.

    • Peace of mind is an awesome thing. The yapping inner voice will fade – but the inner peace just keeps spreading and getting deeper. And the best part is that you will find it’s there when you least expect it to be – but when need it the most.

    • You sound like a whole new person!

      • Yay @Bobby …..I love seeing your posts that your still AF …..huge respect and well done you …..keep at it girl 😊😊

  • Bobby posted an update 2 months ago

    Another AF day done. I have lurgy and the urge to have “a glass of wine” cos I am tired and feel crappy, was pretty strong. But I resisted, knowing that in reality it would not be what I actually need. Boyf had a glass of wine, and once I decided not to have wine, I was not tempted by his at all. Glad I chose AF drinks, hot water bottle and blanket instead of dehydrating wine. Can you imagine how much worse the lurgy would feel tomorrow morning if I had have had large glasses of wine!!

  • Bobby posted an update 2 months ago

    Another AF day done. I am particularly proud as I made the right choice… I am tired and I feel lurgy looms, usually I would force some wine down anyway, even if I knew it would make me feel worse. Also my boyf had a glass of wine and I just didn’t want any. Opted for a virgin Mary and an early night. X

  • Bobby posted a new activity comment 2 months ago

    Happy Birthday @Mari135! You mean a lot to us all. X

  • Bobby posted an update 2 months ago

    Another AF day. Really busy with chores and they still aren’t all done! Thoughts about drinking are not so much “I wish I was drinking”, but more “check this out, I am not drinking! What’s more, I am pleased about it as I am getting sorted for the week ahead!” Boyf pretty much fully moved in now. Bring it on! X

  • Bobby posted an update 2 months ago

    Last night I was on duty at school, so back late in the evening. Usually I would sink a couple of large glasses of wine in a bid to reclaim some of my Friday evening and stay up to do it despite being dog tired. Last night I drank tonic water and went to bed when I needed to as I was tired! Much more refreshed this morning! Another AF day done yesterday! X

  • Bobby posted an update 2 months ago

    It has been a long week and Friday feels like it should be Saturday. Maybe that is why it feels like a long time since I last had wine, when in fact it has only been three days. I read a comment on the bubble hour that said ‘I haven’t gone without a drink for four consecutive days in a row, for a decade.’ My first thought was that I can easily do that, just look at this current week. Then I thought about it and realised that, at that point had been two days since the last wine and also that I could be drinking wine Tues – Saturday several weeks. I would congratulate myself if I only had a couple of glasses one an evening. That quote now resonates with me more than it first did!! Plus I am already struggling with thoughts of the weekend. X

    • You are doing brilliantly! Keep working on it day by day, a long term outlook can be quite daunting sometimes…

  • Bobby posted an update 2 months ago

    Another AF day done.

  • Bobby posted an update 2 months, 1 week ago

    @morgan @jocord @WakingOwl thank you for your replies and reassuring comments on my mum. My parents live a couple of hours ago and so my family mostly chat through WhatsApp each day and we see each other once a month. I did send some flowers after the incident. I have had some texts from my parents, they have said that all is forgiven. But I am not convinced, my mum will harbour it, she has mental health issues and I said some terrible things. I feel that my mum doesn’t reply to my WhatsApp comments as much as before. Mothers Day was a few weeks ago here, I have bought my mum a watched she admired and I will give it to her when I next see her. I guess time will tell, I have to contact my parents this eve to see if they still want to visit my place in June, that will be a good indicator.

  • Bobby posted an update 2 months, 1 week ago

    Just checking in. An AF eve again tonight. I am very tired. I had some lovely comments from peeps regarding my mum. I will reply and update you all in the morning. Am off for an early night now. X

  • Bobby posted an update 2 months, 1 week ago

    Another sober day achieved yday. Still blue this morning after bad dreams about the horrible things I said to my mum. I am worried I will never be forgiven or that the hurt caused will stay with her forever. I am trying to focus on positive happy things such as: three sleeps till my boyf moves in, 13 work days till half term, a cosy eve at home maybe with a run and the weekend ahead. I am struggling to be chirpy though. Another AF day will help. X

    • It is lovely that you love your mum so much that the hurt is very big. Does she know how much you love her? Has the healing conversation begun?

    • Hey @Bobby, so great you have another sober day! As a Mom with Mothers Day coming up, my heart would hurt if I did not hear from a child who is also hurting. May I suggest a hand written letter and some flowers delivered to her to open the door to reconciliation? You don’t even have to see her. Get someone else to deliver. On to another sober day!

    • I’m sure your Mum would love to hear that you’re in a better place now, I know I would want to hear from my daughter under the same circumstances.

  • Bobby posted a new activity comment 2 months, 1 week ago

    Hi @enzedgirl! Not too bad in the end! I am on my way home and in half an hour I will be in my pj’s eating dinner watching TV on the sofa! AF today and so tomorrow morning will be brighter! X

  • Bobby posted an update 2 months, 1 week ago

    Teaching done for the day. I am in school late today, but it is non contact time. I am planning my cosy sober return home. X

    • Hope you’re enjoying your cosy sober return to home. 🙂 I can tell we’re in much different time zones. I’m just about to head to work in Colorado, enjoying how great I feel this morning. Thanks for helping me think ahead to my return home tonight!

    • Yay how did it pan out Bobby?

      • Hi @enzedgirl! Not too bad in the end! I am on my way home and in half an hour I will be in my pj’s eating dinner watching TV on the sofa! AF today and so tomorrow morning will be brighter! X

    • congrats, @bobby

  • Bobby posted an update 2 months, 1 week ago

    Just checking in, which I will today as I need cheering! Two lessons down, two to go! X

  • Bobby posted an update 2 months, 1 week ago

    Damn it, I am going to be cheerful! Here is the good news I am going to be AF today and the next and the next. I will treat myself and post here throughout the day and especially this eve when I get in from work late and tired. I have a strategy for that, which involves tea, toast, hot water bottle and early to bed. At the end of the week my lovely handsome kind and quirky kiwi boyfriend moves in with me. I have a job and am earning, it will soon be the weekend and time will pass today!

  • Bobby posted an update 2 months, 1 week ago

    I did have wine yday. Thoughts that I don’t have a problem are creeping back. But there is an issue, even if it is that my body can’t handle it after gastrectomy. This is evident by the fact I am tired today – I am sure this is related. I am tired and blue, whereas yesterday after an AF Sunday I was energetic and chirpy. The disappointment is big. Oh well, off to work and will proceed through the day, which will be a long one. X

  • Bobby posted an update 2 months, 1 week ago

    Day 12 completed and although tidying and marking is not the most glamorous Sunday, I am more organised for the week ahead, I am hangover free and cheerful! Today is a Bank Holiday, often an extra day drinking for many. I have to work for most the day, but am home late afternoon. I think it will be a challenge not to drink. X

  • Bobby posted a new activity comment 2 months, 1 week ago

    This is scary scary stuff. I hope she accepts the help. I am not sure if people can be sectioned in the US. I am so grateful to be drinking water and tidying this eve. I read the Wikipedia page and again saw links to issues stemming from alcohol for people who have had a gastrectomy…. Mine was partial, maybe I am imagining it, but the mere thought of it is enough to make me apply the breaks. I hope family can get through to your friend. X

  • Bobby posted a new activity comment 2 months, 1 week ago

    Gah…. marking. X

  • Bobby posted a new activity comment 2 months, 1 week ago

    Hi @jesss, this does sound incredibly hard. Over a year ago I was living in a flat with my now ex and it was a toxic situation, I understand feeling trapped by financial restraints. Where you live is vital to our state of mind. I guess you have some thinking to do about this and your boyfriend. The next step, what eve you decide depends on your studies, i would hang on in at school. I am certain that you not only good at stripping, even if this course turns out to be the wrong one. There are other course out there. I would speak to your teacher/personal tutor/school and explain what challenges you are facing and that you are behind. You are finding the course hard, ask your teacher for their thoughts. There should be support networks available within school/college for students to access – maybe with hardship grants or accommodation. Next I would think about living arrangements. Things like whether you can flat share, work part time, go into halls? But also about whether you really want to move away from your boyf and his family while you are so worried for relatives. Would moving out leave you more isolated and lonely? Also your boyfriend has made a gesture of financial support, a very kind thing to do. How long have you felt that you don’t love him? Does it stem from other stresses in your life? I would say, school, home and boyf are three things you need to focus on. Set targets on what you could do to resolve things, like “today I am going to take the first step and find out who I can approach at school for help.” hang on in and each day make one forward step even if it is small. There is a solution and a way out. A year ago, amongst other things I lost my job, my boyfriend, moved homes, moved towns… I do know how you feel. X

    • Try to take good care of you right now. Get through the ne t right thing, rest and be kind to yourself. I, too, know the hardships of many cancer diagnoses and alcohol addictions around me. But I’ve continued on. Now I’m at 16 days and feel strong and hopeful. You will too. You’ll be proud that you continued each day. 🧡

    • Hi @bobby! Thanks so much for your response. U got me thinking. And that is good. Where u live really is so vital. It’s unbelievable. I guess u don’t realize what u have until it’s gone! It’s been at least a year i have been feeling this way. We have kind of lost that loving feeling if u know what i mean. I love him SO much as a friend. He is a great guy! We just dont want the same things as far as marriage and having a home together and i dont know if thats what has made me lose the attraction or what but its just gone. Im not sure it will come back. There are some major trust issues that happened as well that i think have contributed to it. Yes I am totally scared to leave him since we are like best friends and he has been there for me through a lot of crap! I cannot financially move out right now so it’s not an option. I am studying today. I feel like him helping me will definitely get things going in the right direction. My school is online so not too much support there. I appreciate your thoughts very much!

    • Thank u @whichisnice🌼

  • Bobby posted an update 2 months, 1 week ago

    I am doing day 12 again. I had some wine yday evening, all fine on this occasion, but I know it isn’t always like that. I also think I feel more tired today than if I had been AF. Today I am AF and “rostered off” as my lovely boyf puts it! X

  • Bobby posted a new activity comment 2 months, 1 week ago

    I am struggling too

  • Bobby posted an update 2 months, 1 week ago

    Start of day 12. The WW popped up very early as I lay in bed thinking about the day ahead…. A country walk, sunny day, a rural pop and glass of white wine in its garden…. Jeez it was before 7.30am. I kept the vision the same but swapped wine for tonic water!! Am grateful for my hangover free morning, bit tired though cos of body clock and noisy neighbours. But it is better than feeling grubby and rough round the edges.

  • Bobby posted an update 2 months, 1 week ago

    Start of day 12. The WW popped up very early as I lay in bed thinking about the day ahead…. A country walk, sunny day, a rural pop and glass of white wine in its garden…. Jeez it was before 7.30am. I kept the vision the same but swapped wine for tonic water!! Am grateful for my hangover free morning, bit tired though cos of body clock and noisy neighbours. But it is better than feeling grubby and rough round the edges.

  • Bobby posted an update 2 months, 1 week ago

    Day 11 done. No alcohol, but I feel a bout of ebay shopping coming on!

  • Bobby posted an update 2 months, 1 week ago

    Am starting day 11! Very pleasing! I am more chirpy this morning, partly because it is Friday and partly because yday was AF. I had a relaxing but productive evening, I slept well and am ready for the day. It is a long day, I am plodding through work at the moment and have a can’t be arsed feeling about it, though I am not neglectful for any of it. I will plod through the day and know that Saturday is on the other side of it! My thoughts are with @janus2, hope all is better soon. X

  • Bobby posted an update 2 months, 2 weeks ago

    I feel a bit more cheery this eve. Heading home from work, a yummy dinner planned AF drinks in stock, a hot shower, a few jobs and chilling out await! X

  • Bobby posted a new activity comment 2 months, 2 weeks ago

    I am not ready to share it with them yet

  • Bobby posted an update 2 months, 2 weeks ago

    After feeling chipper for days, I am in a funk now. I know the root causes, a former student took her life recently, a former colleague who got my job when I left 10 years ago got a major promotion at the school, so now I have lots of “that could have been me” thoughts, as my career has stalled. Plus I sent a message to my parents apologising and have had no reply (I have heard from them in other messages). I had some wine yday, moderately. But I wish I hadn’t. I think I would be happier and more proud if I had not. I would be like @soberhiker and in day 11, but instead I am doing day 10 take 2! I can feel a chink of cheeriness when I think about the weekend. I have changed my plans to avoid a pub that may be too tempting (it is a lovely old Tudor Inn). Instead I plan to go somewhere new for a walk. I can also be positive and not drink today, tomorrow and after that!

    • I think we all have those thoughts about what could have been, even though for the most part we don’t acheive anything by contemplating the could have beens… but they still play on our minds and so hard to turn them off… the down days pass and hope you get back to feeling chipper again soon… on the upside you drank yesterday and it didnt work for you, you can always use that to re-inforce the knowledge that life is going to be better without… it’s certainly is a journey! Take care 🙂

    • Have you shared your sober(ing) story with your parents, @Bobby? Maybe that might open some discussion about forgiveness?

    • Hi Bobby. You’re facing the wrong way on this train. Turn around. Look forward, not back. You’re 10 days out – 10 days closer to day 11. Every day gets better regardless of the shit you left behind. You left the school 10 years ago. That’s a long time – and things change. I’m in education too – school is not the same now as in 2009. So that promotion may not be all that you think it is. Take care of you. Don’t worry about what might have been. Look forward to what will be as a sober you. It gets better. Hang in.

  • Bobby posted an update 2 months, 2 weeks ago

    Day 10! It has been a while since I could say that! Over the weekend I observed others drink and noted the slower pace with each drink, the longer gap between drinks and then simply stopping quite early in the evening. Compared to myself who wouldn’t even put my glass down on the table as I drank from the glass so frequently it was easier to hold it, rather than keep leaning forward to pick it up. I knew that wasn’t right. No wine yday, so no rough round the edges Wednesday like i have had in the past! This eve I will go for a run and do a bit of tidying! X

    • Awesome job on day 10, I know what you mean I was always two drinks ahead of others. Good for you going for a run a gentle walk is all I can manage 😂 Keep up the good work x

    • Double digits!! Awesome job!! 👍😁

    • Just brilliant Bobby. Yes- that horrible wanting more more more… I don’t miss that at all yuck yuck yuck. It was like being taken over by an alien and I much prefer being the one in control.

  • Bobby posted an update 2 months, 2 weeks ago

    I fought off the WW and avoided the temptation of propping up a sunny spot in the bar. The image in my head was idyllic, but I played it forward to the reality which would have been 3 or 4 large glasses of wine, poor choice for dinner and dehydration tonight and feeling jaded tomorrow morning, many weds mornings I felt rough round the edges. Instead I watched some TV ate chocolate and have got in the bath with my book and a yummy Alpro drink, coffee and hazelnut flavoured. It feels a bit treaty in my nice glass. Plus £30 saved by not going out! X

  • Bobby posted an update 2 months, 2 weeks ago

    I am generally cheerful and day 9 has begun. I do still worry about the damage caused to my parents by what I said. I am just giving it some time for now. X

    • @Bobby well done on day 9. Some time and distance will give you more clarity.

    • Yes. Time=clarity. Whatever happened will be better dealt with sober. Just remember that they’re your parents and they love you. Hang in and hang on. Congrats on day 9!

    • @bobby the last time i drank i said some AWFUL things to my parents. It’s about a year and a half later and it is completely a non issue now. Time really does heal. Congrats on day 9!☺

    • Sweet @Bobby. I love your tender loving spirit. I think I missed what/when you said something out of the norm to your parents. Have you spoke with them at all since then?

  • Bobby posted an update 2 months, 2 weeks ago

    Long day. Am in bed with book, hot water bottle and sparkling water. Bliss. Tomorrow could be a test, I have a friend come over. I would suggest going to a bar. This would mean three large glasses of wine, maybe more once home. It would also mean a late or unhealthy dinner, followed by a poor night’s sleep cos of dehydration! But not tomorrow!!! Tuesdays will be different from now on. Dinner will be pan fried tuna steak withvbrocolli and cherry tomatoes served with spaghetti. I will also think of some other AF treats!! Roll on day 9! X

  • Bobby posted an update 2 months, 2 weeks ago

    Day 8. Back to work, it is sunny but cold this morning. Feeling positive, it is amazing how much more positive I feel. Perhaps it is 8 days without alcohol, perhaps it is the clarity of having made the choice and no longer agonising over when I would drink, how soon could I start, then worrying over how much I drank and my behaviour. Perhaps it is both! I am in no way making excuses for myself, as it was my choice to drink the stuff knowing the consequences. Although, I read that people who have had gastric surgery like myself (partial gastrectomy for a begin tumour) are more susceptible to alcohol as they absorb it more quickly and it enters the blood stream quicker. It said such people could more likely develop alcohol issues and that red wine was especially bad. The article reflected so much of what was happening to me. Maybe it’s true, maybe not. But no matter what the cause, I know the outcome and so I have stopped.

    OK, now for a day at work and to plan a nice treat for when I get home. X

  • Bobby posted an update 2 months, 2 weeks ago

    Urgh, an unpleasant woman visits my downstairs neighbour everyday. It turns out she is quite aggressive and shouted at my boyf and friend for putting rubbish in the wrong bin. They think she is going to cause trouble. It has dampened my good mood, but I am not drinking!!

  • Bobby posted an update 2 months, 2 weeks ago

    What a sleep!! No waking in the night with a raging thirst, something which always happened and could lead to lying awake for a couple of hours each night around 4am. Had a Sunday morning lie in, time for a cuppa. Then a run and home for some gardening, tidying and marking. But I look forward to a potter at home. Will make sure I get time to read my book too. Will also make sure I don’t drink. I made it through Saturday eve fine. I was worried about the damage caused to my relationship with my mum. But felt no urge to drink. I saw a mention of something called Seedlip, I may investigate that. X

  • Bobby posted a new activity comment 2 months, 2 weeks ago

    I do this on etsy. I make some money. One year, it paid for half a holiday to Malta (from UK)! Listing things can take a while!

  • Bobby posted an update 2 months, 2 weeks ago

    Feeling anxious and panicky, having flashbacks of the dreadful things I said to my mum. Feel a bit nauseous. Had a long soak in the bath. I will ride it through. I am not drinking., that is one thing. X

    • Hi @Bobby! I know it will take time, but your mother and you will forgive yourself. Hang in there, hugs, x

    • Are you detoxing right now, @bobby. if so, you just need to ride it out, if you don’t need a hospital. just think of how good you are treating your body and getting through this… well, it will get easier every day.

    • the choice not to drink is a very big thing bobby and i’m proud of you for making it.

      do you feel any better after the bath?

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