Good morning LS. It’s a beautiful morning here, another autumnal day that heralds change. Change, that inevitable ingredient of life. At three years sober I’m not sure I sure I ride the waves of change with grace and ease, rather with stumbling and resistance knowing there is another way but the familiar can be hard to let go.
I am participating in a Family of Origin course, set up for those from families with addiction and dysfunction who want to understand how patterns and programming, and survival skills innately learnt in childhood, continue to provide a platform in our adult lives that isn’t always skillfull or healthful. My family story isn’t one of overt physical violence but silence, blame, shame and uncertainty. To those looking in we presented as a ‘normal’, middle-class family – professional, working Father, stay at home Mum. Little did they know my mother was a woman in crisis, living with a ‘high-functioning’ alcoholic whose place of work tacitly promoted drinking and provided cover when he fucked up due to drinking. And I was born into this chaos, third baby, unplanned that brought physical health issues into the family.
For so long, I have felt defective, a fraud, at fault. The course is challenging those faulty messages. It is tiring, emotional, confronting! I am grateful to have a day off from work and the course, an opportunity to reflect, rest , ponder and practice lots of gentle, loving self care as I navigate this provocative time, something I have instigated myself, walking the path of recovery. And it is worth it, the slowly growing feeling of freedom, freedom from past trauma and programming, and a growing awareness of myself- who I am and that it is OK to be me, I am enough, more than enough even……The value in the course is working to allow those words to become an inherent part of my being, to move from my head to my heart and gut.
It can feel lonesome at times and I am grateful for the other travellers who willingly share their stories and experiences, then I don’t feel so alone.
Today is a beautiful new day, a day to practice with gentle, loving kindness, some of my growing, healthful skills such as being grateful for the blessings in my life. Three beautiful, awesome children (now adults and do I tell them that enough….not yet but now I know I can practice that too 😊), two devoted, loving dogs, a caring husband, a safe roof over my head, other travellers willing to walk the path of recovery, the list is endless.
Go well today, fellow warriors, fight for yourself, you are worth it xx
three years sober. what a great idea to take a family of origin class. i am just starting to pay attention to how much drinking went on around me during my entire life. this is a great post, well said, and such real stuff to think about. fighting, when i decide what i want, that is.
Hey what a huge process you are going through.. that course sounds wonderful and challenging at the same time. So great you are unpicking everything that’s going on and from your childhood and aren’t just numbing and avoiding. Did I miss your 3 year soberversary? Congrats!! That does make you eligible to share your Sober Story you know.. let me know if you are keen to do that and I’ll email you the list of questions xx
That sounds like an incredibly brave process. Something that you will get so much out of – amazing growth on the sober path. Congratulations on 3 years xx
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