HI there dear friends. Checking in at day 153 – slowly chugging toward that half a year mark. I seemed to be in a bit of a lull lately. No real urges to speak of, but a few longings here and there … romancing the drink I guess – or the thought of it anyway.
I guess I’m reaching that point that so many others have talked about here where I think to myself – ‘okay. I’ve got this. I think I’ll have a wine or two now.’ It surfaces as such a subtle, quiet, benevolent little thought. And if I let myself, I could almost believe it. But thankfully I’ve been able to catch it in time and play it forward. I stop and think about what it would really come to if I had that first one … if I lit that fuse. I’d burn through that 1st one in no time – then the explosion would happen – and I’d land right back where I was 153 days ago – feeling like shit … looking like shit … and hating myself.
Ironically the thought came to me yesterday as I was driving home alone from the liquor store with a bottle of gin for hubby. We had just returned from the beach and he had driven all day. It was early evening …. that time of the day when a cold one (or 10) would be the only thing on my mind. I took the sneaky little thing out and examined it out loud by myself in the car as I drove. And before it could bite me I dug into my toolbox and grabbed my heavy hitter – Hungry? not really. Angry? nothing there. Lonely? not particularly. TIRED! ! Yes! I was freaking tired! Hot, tired, and sick of being in the car. I wanted a shower and some pizza, and to park my butt on the couch with my doxies and a movie. God! Once I realized what I REALLY needed, it became my whole reason for being. The drink idea evaporated. I had a new mission. Within the hour, I was in AF sober heaven – freshly showered, eating pizza (delivered natch!) and watching NETFLIX.
So all that to say … here I am – still AF on a beautiful peaceful Saturday morning! I would have thought it doesn’t get any better than this – but I know it will. I won’t drink today. And no plans for tomorrow either. Figuring things out as I go … sober, clear-headed, not hating myself … okay, not looking like a runway model, but not looking like shit either … and most importantly, not where I was 153 days ago!
So to all of you who have shared your wisdom and experiences about what this insidious poison can do, I say thank you. Know that I’ve listened and I’ve learned from you all. And to all of you just starting – I urge you to the same. Know that you can do this – and that your life will be sooooo much better on the other side.
Sending love and strength to you all xoxo . We’ve got you – and together, we’ve got this!
Hi AprilsFool! You’re onto that little drinky voice, well done for powering through, figuring out what you really needed. I was even thinking about having wine in 10 years when friends come down to visit me down south, how it’d be nice to chat over wine. And then I thought the next day I’d be a disaster, shaky, nervous – why would I do that? Have a beautiful week-end! xo
10 years?!! … And it still whispers sometimes, huh? I’m going to keep remembering that. Just as I remember each and every tidbit of advice I’ve gleaned from the warriors before me. Thanks for the well done. I appreciate your support.
Hello @AprilsFool! No, I’ve been only sober for 4+ years, but I still think a bit about whether I’ll drink in the future. Then I think about the reality of it. Not. Remotely. A. Good. Idea. : ) week-end! x
Thanks for sharing. What I love most about your post is how you show that by identifying what we really need and meeting that need we find our happiness! God only knows how many times I needed something but my solution was only ever wine, I was never actually meeting my own needs. No wonder I was tired and miserable. Lightbulb moment so thanks for that @aprilsfool 💡