• April posted a new activity comment 3 months, 1 week ago

    Ooooh… 🥰🥰 love this – too much stony, sharp rocks in my life… I often feel crumpled and need wildflowers to grow but someone else sees stony, sharp edges… sigh!!!

    Thank you and take care of you @morgan

  • April posted a new activity comment 3 months, 1 week ago

    Oh @wildchild that’s rough on lots of levels. Sounds like you are ‘hunkering down’ as much as you can around a ‘full’ life… take care and hopefully the tiredness will slowly begin to lift. You have been through the wringer recently. Take care

  • April posted a new activity comment 3 months, 1 week ago

    Your work sounds so hard, rewarding and heartbreaking… what a relief to be able to stay in contact when you can. I would worry too. The man front sounds very exciting – new opportunities? I have clearly missed heaps by not being here.

  • April posted a new activity comment 3 months, 1 week ago

    Thanks @mari135… yeah self imposed deadlines can set us up for even more heartbreak. Progress not perfection and recognising that we are all doing the best we can with what we have at any given moment is very freeing for me

  • April posted a new activity comment 3 months, 1 week ago

    Exactly @hammer123

  • April posted a new activity comment 3 months, 1 week ago

    Oops @clowance and @delgirl68 I couldn’t get that to post in the right place

  • April posted a new activity comment 3 months, 1 week ago

    That all sounds very familiar @delgirl68. My DH is (finally) believing me when I say I am not ‘attacking him’. They (often) adore us as we do them but we don’t always ‘understand’ each other. That (for us) is what turns conversation to conflict. An ashram sounds like my ideal holiday destination 😂

  • April posted a new activity comment 3 months, 1 week ago

    That she is @prudence… I haven’t really ‘lost’ all the jewels in my life which is how it sometimes feels.

    • It does sometimes feel like that @April, especially with our girlfriends I found. Don’t worry, they are still there. It is you who have changed, not them. We can feel a bit abandoned, but it is just life, sorting it all out. Time can be quite the giver of gifts. Patience is indeed a virtue, I really get that now. Great to see you making some breakthroughs with the man. You sure have had a hard row to hoe. Your friend’s advice allows the tragedy to soften and be accepted and begin to hurt less. I am glad xo

  • April posted a new activity comment 3 months, 1 week ago

    @morgan, that’s exactly how it is for me. The more I can talk about it and feel ‘heard’ the less I ‘need’ to talk about it. And yes, less acute and distressing with time. DH is opposite. However we are starting fully understand each other’s differences now re the gnarly stuff so that is helping a lot too.

  • April posted a new activity comment 3 months, 1 week ago

    Hi @morgan, love seeing your posts. No lurking from recently – sigh. Just awol for a week. Doing life. I have been thinking bout @wildchild too. Hope life is treating you well also @morgan.

    • Pretty good hon. Work always has its ups and downs and griefs. At present I am so rapt to have finished a long bit of work with a couple of very traumatised children, but, trouble is, now I miss them terribly and worry… Fortunately I can ring and see one, and may have some work where he is.
      On The Man front, heaps has happened, surprising, amazing, lovely, but I think I am in a bit of shock over that. Too much distance and time apart too… Can’t have it all

      • Your work sounds so hard, rewarding and heartbreaking… what a relief to be able to stay in contact when you can. I would worry too. The man front sounds very exciting – new opportunities? I have clearly missed heaps by not being here.

    • No, nothing missed, I try not to say too much as still in hiding here. My life is so easily identifiable and I am still in workplaces and applying for jobs where I think it could be used against me. No trust in most people; too many horrible things have happened to me.
      The short version is, we will be living at least on the same property in the next year or so 🙂 🙂 🙂 He will still be away half the time, but I think that will be very good. We both love our space

  • April posted an update 3 months, 1 week ago

    Evening all, i have been off line for exactly a week. Still here though and still sober. Life is ‘full’. It’s been a bit up and down relationship wise with some old issues still being ‘hashed’ out between dh and myself.

    I’m beginning to realise/accept that it’s okay that some of the ‘really gnarly’ stuff we deal with may always bubble up for the rest of our lives to be ‘thrashed out’ a bit more each time before we can set it aside again for awhile. I’m beginning to be okay with that fact.

    Until recently I couldn’t bear the thought of the gnarly stuff being a lifelong issue for us. I thought it would be toxic to our marriage.

    However, today a friend asked me if we were happily living with gnarly stuff now? Well yeah at least 70-85% time we are. Is life basically good now together when the gnarly stuff is not bothering you? Are you, DH and the kids happy? Yeah… Enjoying life? Yeah…

    So, my friend responded; You basically have a loving marriage, a good life and you have been living with the ‘gnarly stuff’ that cause you both so much grief, shame, anger, resentment and sadness for over two years now right? Right. This ‘gnarly stuff’ is becoming less and less of an ‘all consuming thing’ Right? Right.

    Soooo, continued my very wise friend…. why can’t this be an issue that bubbles up forever that you both simply have to keep chipping away at?

    Who says you have to ‘sort it’ and put it behind you?

    Why can’t you embrace it as a forever issue in all its ugliness and enjoy the beauty of your life together the majority of the time.

    Who says ‘the gnarly stuff’ has to be sorted?

    My friend has ‘nailed it’ . We can just life with our demons if we chose.

    • Sounds like a wise friend xx Glad you’re doing ok.

    • I so agree. when everyone used to rabbit on about Closure, I always thought, nah, not possible, doesn’t make sense to me. Certain things come and go, hopefully becoming less acute and distressing with time. Xxxx you have done so well in tough, gruelling circumstances xxxx

      • @morgan, that’s exactly how it is for me. The more I can talk about it and feel ‘heard’ the less I ‘need’ to talk about it. And yes, less acute and distressing with time. DH is opposite. However we are starting fully understand each other’s differences now re the gnarly stuff so that is helping a lot too.

    • Your friend sure is a keeper April. Love her thinking. Xx

      • That she is @prudence… I haven’t really ‘lost’ all the jewels in my life which is how it sometimes feels.

        • It does sometimes feel like that @April, especially with our girlfriends I found. Don’t worry, they are still there. It is you who have changed, not them. We can feel a bit abandoned, but it is just life, sorting it all out. Time can be quite the giver of gifts. Patience is indeed a virtue, I really get that now. Great to see you making some breakthroughs with the man. You sure have had a hard row to hoe. Your friend’s advice allows the tragedy to soften and be accepted and begin to hurt less. I am glad xo

    • That’s great advice. I agree fully. I finally told my dh today everything that pisses me off – but it boils down to him not bloody listening, not having his attention. I bought something up the other day and his response was to “just get over it and let it go”. To that I think “you don’t care about my feelings and couldn’t even be bothered to talk about it”. Today he patiently told me that – hey these are things that have come up before, and I’ve just got a lot going on in my head atm, and you know I can’t concentrate on more than one thing at a time….. And he bought me some flowers and says ‘don’t doubt the love, the love is there’….yeah yeah I guess. We’ll never resolve this really, but yep it’s just about chipping away a bit at a time. Maybe on my part not letting things build up too much. And I think being newly fully sober again I’m probs a bit hyper sensitive. Often things are neither good or bad – it’s just the label we put on them at the time, depending on our moods. Personally I’m a frigging crazy person most of the time and I wonder sometimes how he puts up with me. Other times I just want to go and live in a silent ashram hahaha

      • The other thing that happens, @delgirl68 I think, is that classic ‘male/female problem talk’ thing. [ref. Deborah Tanner ‘You just don’t understand’]
        In obviously sweeping generalisations, women talk about problems to make a closer connection, men talk about problems to fix them. And problems unfixed make them anxious (high cortisol levels measured etc). So the woman talks because she wants her bloke to listen to her and understand her, and the bloke thinks ‘right, I need to fix this for her’ or ‘aaarrrgghhh, this again, I couldn’t fix it last time, can’t listen, stress, stress’.
        One very sorted out (male) friend of mine used to sometimes ask ‘do you want me to listen like a woman or like a bloke’ ? and I have taught HP this too – nothing worse than being given a hundred solutions that you’ve already considered and dismissed, when you just want listening to (HP is my other half, stands for Helicopter Pilot, which he used to be).

      • That all sounds very familiar @delgirl68. My DH is (finally) believing me when I say I am not ‘attacking him’. They (often) adore us as we do them but we don’t always ‘understand’ each other. That (for us) is what turns conversation to conflict. An ashram sounds like my ideal holiday destination 😂

      • Oops @clowance and @delgirl68 I couldn’t get that to post in the right place

      • Awwww so sweet @Delgirl68. Flowers and an explanation. Maybe that is all there is from him and you need a confidante or 3 to offload the rest. I know with my reclusive, silent man, the times he talks are so precious, and his words are 100% true because thought through. He is a very expressive talkative lover however, and I think that makes up for everything – can’t shut him up! Sorry tmi 🙁
        Also, we talk for ages on skype (he still lives afar) which really shocks me when I see the time recorded – like, what do we talk about?! Along with the separate living theory of mine, if couples could text or skype, maybe so much more would be covered.

    • Oh if we could all just communicate a little better! My wife and I read companion books one written by the husband for the wives and one written by the wife for the husbands. It had a religious slant and seemed set up more for newlyweds but it sure gave us some insight into each other and really opened up some talking points. I will need to find it and do a review.

      Here is the big thing that my wife learned, society tells you that men and women have certain roles men are handy and should fix everything around the house and women should cook and clean. This is not my reality I did not get taught any of the traditional male things by my father or in school. So when she expected me to do these things it gave me anxiety and she thought I was being lazy or stupid ( I am projecting here a little). Once we got this straight between us she started getting professionals to do these things. I have no anxiety she gets things fixed the way she wants and everyone is happy! Luckily I love to cook and clean and she shows me much love because then she is not stuck in her traditional role. She can put her feet up while I get dinner on the go and we can catch up with each other! Simple communication, if it was only that simple! Let go of your ego and everyone will be happier!

    • April…thanks so very much for sharing this….Your entire post is gold…I teared up a bit with this part (good tears!!):
      “Who says you have to ‘sort it’ and put it behind you?”

      Oh man…I felt relief reading it as my husband and I definitely have gnarly stuff that tends to come up here and there.
      Your post taught me a seriously good and helpful lesson this morning.

      oxoxoxox

      We do not have to get over it. There is no deadline for when grief “should” end.

      • Thanks @mari135… yeah self imposed deadlines can set us up for even more heartbreak. Progress not perfection and recognising that we are all doing the best we can with what we have at any given moment is very freeing for me

  • April posted an update 3 months, 2 weeks ago

    Sooooooo tired!!!! Have put kiddos in front of a screen and am crashed out on couch… shattered!! Maybe I have hit the tired phase?? Just over a month continually af

  • April posted a new activity comment 3 months, 2 weeks ago

    Oh… just what I ‘needed’ to read this morning @delgirl68 – thanks!

  • April posted an update 3 months, 2 weeks ago

    Greetings all, self care to keep me af has beena new gym membership x2 gym sessions this week with another tomorrow morning. I am so enjoying it… it’s killing me but I love being able to really feel my sore muscles coz it’s a sign they are being used and growing stronger… exactly like our sober muscles! Self care also looks like counselling for DH and I. Our sessions aren’t quite as regular as we would all like but between all x3 of us we have busy schedules. This lady is amazing. She seems to have a knack of asking questions that take us to places of such strong emotion. Then she helps to process our stuff. It’s quite amazing to me coz if we ‘accidentally stumble’ on these kinds of emotions ourselves we (quite literally) start to destroy each other with conflict coz alone we cannot deal with the hurt, grief and resentment that is (clearly) still very close to the surface. I am in awe of her really. And, in a weird kind of way quite proud of us for still being together and wanting to create a stronger base to work from. Being sober certainly accentuates ‘all the feels’. Grateful to be going to bed sober tonight. That’s for certain. Take care out there everyone

  • April posted a new activity comment 3 months, 2 weeks ago

    Thinking of you @mari135. Such eloquent posts… looking forward to updates. Enjoy a well deserved massage.

  • April posted a new activity comment 3 months, 2 weeks ago

    You are such an inspiration @suek! I love reading your guest blog posts and your posts in the members feed. Such great motivation to be and stay booze free. Thank you!

  • April posted an update 3 months, 3 weeks ago

    So after a few weeks of ‘to and fro’ I have (finally) committed to a gym membership. First class at 5am tomorrow… grateful to find somewhere that I can go before DH leaves for work. Won’t be feeling v grateful when my alarm wakes me 😂🤣😂. At least I’ll be hangover free – always the best feeling… I will be nervous though and v v self conscious of being the ‘unfit’, ‘fat’ new girl in the room. Gotta drop the self bashing and go enjoy it. Take care out there folks 😊

    • Omg well done @april that is serious determination! Go you xx

    • Great job. Before purchasing my at home equipment I went to the gym after work.
      I was self conscious at first but grew to love the gym and paid very little attention to those around me.
      You’ve got this!!!

    • Go you!!! oxoxooxo It will be fun. It takes a few times to feel ‘at home’ in a new gym I found but like a new job, two weeks in and you will have forgotten about the first day jitters. oxoxo Have fun!

    • hey, @april, good for you. better to be in the room than not in the room. what a great start to a new you. need to do this as well, hopefully i can get some inspiration from you and get my butt going on the regular. be well.

  • April posted a new activity comment 3 months, 3 weeks ago

    Keep us posted on the outcome @truthangel… so many of us sending positive vibes for you around the globe.

  • April posted a new activity comment 3 months, 3 weeks ago

    Congrats again @lizzy… what are you doing to celebrate/acknowledge this epic no. of days?

  • April posted a new activity comment 3 months, 3 weeks ago

    Thanks @lizzy. I would really appreciate that

  • April posted a new activity comment 3 months, 3 weeks ago

    Has ERO looked specifically at you while in a short term role?? That seems unusual… not that familiar with how ‘they’ work though. Are u in an LTR position.

  • April posted a new activity comment 3 months, 3 weeks ago

    Hi @seedynomore, I’m trying to post more often too. Have been wondering where you are for weeks as you are usually ‘always’ here. Take care of you. It’s hard going through big life stuff…

  • April posted a new activity comment 3 months, 3 weeks ago

    Just read… very interesting read. Thanks for link

  • April posted a new activity comment 3 months, 3 weeks ago

    Congrats @lizzy… you’re also on the cusp of 1000 days! Epic!

  • April posted a new activity comment 3 months, 3 weeks ago

    Good luck @enzedgirl – sounds promising

  • April posted a new activity comment 3 months, 3 weeks ago

    Congrats @malibustacey

  • April posted a new activity comment 3 months, 3 weeks ago

    Lizzy, you have always been a shining light here… play it forward and keep it going

  • April posted an update 3 months, 3 weeks ago

    ‘Evening all, it’s late Sat night here in NZ. I’m not lurking or posting nearly as much as I’d like.. However, I’m sober. I’m here (kinda) and I am (totally) inspired from each of you… the posts I read are so ‘real’, so honest and so motivating. Thank you all for keeping me af for yet another day or 2…

    • I recon you will be permanent a/f April I sure as shit intend to be

    • Nice to see you here @April 🙂 I also feel I’m not here any where near as much as I would like to be. So, when I do make it on here I am going to shout out to you and give you a little nudge to check in. 🙂 xx

    • Thank you April.

    • oxoxoxo Always good to see your familiar name pop up, April!
      Like Lizzy and you I am not as much here right now, but man am I glad I get a bit of time this Saturday morning to catch up. I notice a difference in my mental health and the craving-thoughts when I stop coming here….so for now it is still best I stay close to this place. oxoxoxox Have a sweet day and come back soon!!!

    • Awesome! And howdy! ❤️

  • April posted a new activity comment 3 months, 3 weeks ago

    So much relatability in your teaching posts @janus2… love ur educational and sobriety work. Thanks for the motivation

  • April posted a new activity comment 3 months, 3 weeks ago

    🙏. Thank you @mtedenmummy

  • April posted a new activity comment 3 months, 3 weeks ago

    Thanks for the update @wildchild such good news! Have a relaxing weekend 😊

  • April posted a new activity comment 3 months, 3 weeks ago

    An ‘empowering’ post @mtedenmummy – much like I found @suek’s ‘sober friend’ read too. Just what I needed x2 tonight. In fact, I remember reading @suek’s post years ago… sad that I’m still not long term sober after all these years. However, I am still sober this time and the days are accumulating

  • April posted a new activity comment 3 months, 3 weeks ago

    Thanks @winner

  • April posted a new activity comment 3 months, 3 weeks ago

    Thanks @normaleelucid I’m back for my ‘umpteenth’ time I’m afraid… going to ‘master’ this long term af thing soon!!! Plenty of af days, weeks and months under my belt. Aiming for 12months plus

  • April posted an update 3 months, 4 weeks ago

    Thank you @morgan and @chardano for your replies late last night. I appreciated it. A pretty full on morning here but all sorted now and I’m about to sit down for a board game with Master5 before we all head off for the day. Glad to be clear headed, AF and hangover free as my growing ‘normal’. Take care out there

  • April posted a new activity comment 3 months, 4 weeks ago

    Wow – so much inspiration in this post @prudence… thanks. My ‘out of sorts’, tired and overthinking brain needed to read these words before I sleep tonight.

  • April posted a new activity comment 3 months, 4 weeks ago

    Ps: my kiddos are 5 & 6 and other than the expensive childcare options I’m already using I have no other options available as I (literally) cannot afford to pay anymore that what we currently do during term time.

  • April posted an update 3 months, 4 weeks ago

    Hi all, I’m back to struggling to find/make time to post and although I’m not drinking my moods are very up and down. I’m fine at work and generally super patient and kind to my own kiddos too. DH and I are a roller coaster ride of emotions and this is reflected in our relationship. When I’m working (4/5 days a week) I’m out the door at 8am and back by 4.30pm at earliest. DH is 6.40am – 6.30pm 5/6 days a week. Kids cope incredibly well with pre and post school care but I’m back to de prioritising anything for my individual sanity/self care… I’m certain I won’t be the only working Mum here struggling with these issues does anyone have any ‘life hacks’ that they could share? I’m sober and (slowly) becoming more and more sugar free. I’m super grateful for all of the good things in my life but I’m feeling ‘out of control’ , grumpy and spread too thin too often. Ideas anyone? Thanks

    • Ps: my kiddos are 5 & 6 and other than the expensive childcare options I’m already using I have no other options available as I (literally) cannot afford to pay anymore that what we currently do during term time.

    • Oh, I remember those days. One thing I found helped me was using a wash and fold laundry service. It was near me. I could drop off loads if laundry in the morning and pick them up in the afternoon. Do any kids drive yet? Maybe allow one night a week for take out food? I must confess, the empty nest phase is very restful.😊❤️

      • Oops. Just noticed your P.S. Guess they don’t drive😀. I hope you find a way to give yourself a little down time.

    • Oh hon, know it so well. Unfortunately, I am not sure if I can offer any gems as it was then I began to use wine, slowly but surely becoming more dependent as my husband got crazier then left. I have no idea how on earth I coped; huge job, study, complex relationships, ex being appalling, kids distressed often, drive here, drive there, activities, weekend sport and dance – I couldn’t drink much thank heavens – forced to be moderate.
      How much family have you got around you? Can you link up with others for child sharing? Babysitting swaps etc? I used to take a few in holidays as I was teaching, so that was perfect. It is so terribly stressful to be a modern mum, even with adorable, adoring children (mine were bless them)
      That wasn’t much use, was it 🙁
      Much love XXXXXXX

  • April posted an update 4 months ago

    Kia ora to all, its been a few too many days since I have been here ‘lurking’ or posting. So, I have much to catch up on. I hope all is well with you @wildchild? My biggest ‘struggle’ atm is my other addiction and being here consistently… now I’m back at work and my kiddos are back at school keeping ‘balls in the air’ becomes a big issue for me. I was at a funeral for an 85yr old yesterday, it was an awesome celebration of her life… there were tears but it was of release and so much laughter and awesome memories … she was ready to go. At the same, in the same city, very very dear friends of mine were at a funeral too – of a stunningly gorgeous, super kind, fabulous 39yr old Mum of x3 under 8yr old children who adored her and her husband who was simply heartbroken by the absolutely unexpected and unfair loss of his wife… such a reality check to not sweat the small stuff… everyday we have on this planet with our loved ones is such a ‘gift’ being AF enables us to appreciate this so much more I believe… take care out there folks

  • April posted an update 4 months ago

    Morning all, I’m rushing out door to work…. so much for 10mins sitting down to read and post! However, I’m here and I’m af therefore everything else is ‘doable’. Take care out there folks and (most importantly) take care of you!

  • April posted a new activity comment 4 months ago

    Congrats @tom4500 and @treehugger… both of you are ‘legends’. I trust the biopsy will be all clear for Sandy

  • April posted an update 4 months, 1 week ago

    It’s 6am in my corner of the world, waking up fresh and rested – hangover free… is still such a great feeling. A busy day ahead but my head is clear so all be well no matter what curve balls might come way. Take care out there everyone.

  • April posted a new activity comment 4 months, 1 week ago

    You are a legend @k1w1! Congrats on so many years sober. Any ‘words of wisdom’ for people like me in the ‘early days’ after years of intermittent day 1’s?

  • April posted an update 4 months, 1 week ago

    Soooo, it’s ‘stupid o’clock’ again – heading to bed after checking in here. Staying sober is my ‘measuring stick’. None of the other ‘stuff’ I needlessly get frustrated/resentful about matters when I am sober. Take care out there folks or (if you’re in the Southern Hemisphere) sleep well.

  • April posted a new activity comment 4 months, 1 week ago

    Go well, @wildchild – thinking of you and a positive outcome for your surgery

  • April posted a new activity comment 4 months, 1 week ago

    Hang in there @jocord… I hope things improve for you. Being needed 24/7 is relentless, being sober is priceless. Take care of you.

  • April posted a new activity comment 4 months, 1 week ago

    Got ours for ‘free’ on flybuys if that helps @truthangel

  • April posted a new activity comment 4 months, 1 week ago

    Well done for no wine today @thin39

  • April posted a new activity comment 4 months, 1 week ago

    Well done on 40days & staying strong through what must be an incredibly stressful situation.

  • April posted a new activity comment 4 months, 1 week ago

    Happy birthday 🥳 @craftygirl, I too can relate to being where you thought you would be in life. Can you carve out sometime to do something special for yourself today? Something that makes your heart sing?

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