I have battled heavy alcohol abuse for most of my life. I have had good long periods of abstinence but the risk and failure is ever present. My wife is long suffering. I have tried to be a good role model to my kids, but they have seen the best and worst of me. Very angry about the alcohol rich environment I was bought up in, and have been very conscious of that with my own. Cautiously optimistic as I move into Day 35. Life is pretty fantastic now. Clarity is my drive and nirvana.
Part of my cathartic process, prose cum poem, to get me past my anger and bitterness.
Memories of a Dear Dad.
I struggle to see beyond my last few memories Of the great times we had, Of your generosity and happiness And great fathership.
I cannot erase; Your glazed watery eyes Your bulbous orange peel nose Your florid complexion Your huge belly Blackened legs, ankles and feet Eczema hands, body and arms The slurred speech The falling blackouts, Helping you to bed, The vomiting and incontinence, The plastic bottle and straw, housing the gin, Right to the bitter end, Your only sustenance in the last 5 weeks, The vicious delirium The morphine Our complicity in maintaining a semblance of normality The silent denial by all of the reality.
I invited the masses To drink to your health at your wake, Alone, I did not…… Your legacy is my alcoholism Thanks for all the memories.
It has taken me a long time to say those things and to admit I am an alcoholic. It has been pent up inside and there is huge relief saying it. I can only say it now he has passed. I was part of the cover up just the same as everyone. Although I was the only person ever to mention it and my mother will still not admit it. She says he liked a drink but it was never excessive. His quality of life at the end was awful. I would not wish it on anyone. I wish you well with your own battle and that of your mothers. It’s one hell of a road. Just love the clarity of sobriety. Let me know if I can help more. Take care thinking of you x
Thank you so much. I am sure I can feel it across the world. I have truly relaxed since writing that. One of the most soul exposing moments of my alcohol career and a real marker in the sand. Take care.