• AndIan posted a new activity comment 1 day, 12 hours ago

    Wow, families are so complex and having lived with an alcoholic and watched people’s and my families reactions it never fails to amaze me how few people are to face up and front the problem.
    The tenants. They have rights and deserve privacy and sole use of the property. I think they or your father should change the locks so only your father has access and he manages the property within the rules and regulations of rented properties.

    Great to see you have recognised and dealt with your own issues, well done.

    I would approach your husband via your mothers behaviours. Does he think she has a problem, what would he suggest to help. Bring in parallels of yourself and see if he opens up and can see his own weaknesses.

    Otherwise, talk to him direct, confront the issue.

    That’s my bit. Good luck.

    • Thank you @andian, I need to have a talk with my fellow… Today he had about 3 bottles of wine. We had friends over, and before they came I made a comment about his back problems (out of concern) which set him off, apparently I ruined his day by talking about it. Too many parallels to my mother. Still can’t believe that i never noticed this before…

  • AndIan posted a new activity comment 1 day, 14 hours ago

    The site works well on cell phones too. And is great for help and support.

  • AndIan posted a new activity comment 1 day, 14 hours ago

    Hi @maria80, fellow kiwi here. I think you have to say enough is enough and battle through. For me it was cold turkey and hang on in there. But others have lots of different ways. You must choose your weapons and embark on the battle. Lots of friends and support and great stories here. I love reading the comments and diving in and saying a bit. My daily check in is very important. I love it. Good luck, Kia kaha.

  • AndIan posted a new activity comment 1 day, 14 hours ago

    My advice is to have a heart to heart with your husband and open up to him. My guess is he would love to help if you let him in.
    My other advice would be to make you ask yourself what role model are you setting for your kids. They need someone strong and dependable and reliable. Do it for them.

  • AndIan posted an update 1 day, 22 hours ago

    Mocktail Cocktail; a Fools Paradise,

    This is a very personal sunday morning, clear headed view.

    I loved cocktail bars. Perfect excuse for excessive drinking. Colleagues and partners chose cocktails for taste and flavour, I chose for the maximum alcohol content. That way we drank the same number of drinks but I managed twice the alcohol content. The prefect night out, no attention drawn to myself and everyone seems to get pissed on cocktails so I was no exception.

    On the way to a night out, a cocktail, normally Long Island Iced Tea gave me a 5 shot start on everyone, and I could hand on heart say I had had a quickie on the way. Cocktails, were to me, the easiest way to maximise alcohol consumption inconspicuously.

    The concept of drinking Mocktails is alien to me. To appear to be drinking a cocktail is false. I don’t want to be a lie. I don’t want my friends to appear to all be high on cocktails, I don’t want to be part of the alcohol portrayal of happiness and frivolity, I want to be true to me and drink the drinks that I like, not appear to be like everyone else. I am not fake, I am not “mock”, I am not part of the cocktail scene.

    Mocktails, alcohol free wine, gin, beer, are all part of a myth that alcohol is Ok, any time any place. Drink a drink because you want a drink you like, not to appear to be the same as the crowds.

    • Mocktail shmocktail @Andian. And, when’s a ‘drink’ mean a ‘drink’? Point taken ~

    • I don’t drink mocktails to deceive anyone or appear to be drinking like everyone else@Andian. I drink them because most of them taste better than a diet coke or tonic water. It’s refreshing that more bars and restaurants are offering them these days. To each his own.

    • @Andlan I don’t bother with AF cocktails or beer. Personally I don’t much see the point. Like you I drank to consume maximum alcohol, not for the taste. It has been fun finding drinks I actually find yummy these past few weeks. I have tried more types of iced and hot tea then ever in my life and really enjoy them!

      That being said I have several sober relatives that drink AF beer every day. Not sure if it’s for the taste or the routine, but seems to help them stay sober. Who knows.

      • I have to say I am the same as @stevef here. I love a decent mocktail.
        Definitely not trying to deceive anyone, I’d be the first to admit its virgin but why should people drinking alcohol have all the fun. I’m actually fascinated to see what bars and restaurants around NZ have the best AF cocktails I’m offer
        I’m based in Wgtn, but heading to AK soon for work.
        Anyone have any recommendations?
        In Wgtn Charlie Nobles has a few creative ones. I hear Nightflower does too.
        Havana Bar was incredibly disappointing with its AF selection.
        Perhaps we could start a list of recommendations around the globe in site menu @mrs-d?

    • @Andian – I hear you, by the end of my time drinking I used to buy my wines (my top choice of alcoholic drink) based on the alcohol content too. Was part of the reason I switched from Sav to Pinot Gris, due to most having a higher content. As for mocktails, AF wine and beer, I agree with @SteveF, each to their own. If you find that drinking mocktails triggers you, then don’t drink them. I drank AF beer and wine for a time, but this did trigger me somewhat, and left me bloated so I stopped. We are all very different and what works for one, may not for another. If you are choosing sober, just don’t pick up that first alcoholic drink, whatever that may be 🙂

  • AndIan posted a new activity comment 1 day, 23 hours ago

    Hi @chasingthedandelion day 41 today, sleep is identical. Very disturbed and broken. And I take magnesium too. I have been going to bed about 9.30 pm and generally sleep till about 3am unbroken. Then sporadic disturbed and broken sleep. Still prefer the clear headed woken times to blurry headachey alcohol induced sleep.

  • AndIan posted a new activity comment 3 days, 3 hours ago

    Thank you so much. I am sure I can feel it across the world. I have truly relaxed since writing that. One of the most soul exposing moments of my alcohol career and a real marker in the sand. Take care.

  • AndIan posted a new activity comment 3 days, 12 hours ago

    @turquoiseandteal thank you for the compliments. Writing this and admitting I am an alcoholic has cleared my mind and conscience. I am feeling calm and peace.

  • AndIan posted a new activity comment 3 days, 12 hours ago

    Sad, sad sad, for the sake of our own children we should live sober. X

  • AndIan posted a new activity comment 3 days, 14 hours ago

    I am sure you will get lots of pleasure and support here, it’s a great place.

  • AndIan posted a new activity comment 3 days, 18 hours ago

    It has taken me a long time to say those things and to admit I am an alcoholic. It has been pent up inside and there is huge relief saying it. I can only say it now he has passed. I was part of the cover up just the same as everyone. Although I was the only person ever to mention it and my mother will still not admit it. She says he liked a drink but it was never excessive. His quality of life at the end was awful. I would not wish it on anyone. I wish you well with your own battle and that of your mothers. It’s one hell of a road. Just love the clarity of sobriety. Let me know if I can help more. Take care thinking of you x

  • AndIan posted a new activity comment 3 days, 18 hours ago

    Thanks. I am pretty good just a tad angry and bitter. However expressing that and saying I am an alcoholic has been my most difficult hurdle. Thank you x.

  • AndIan posted an update 3 days, 19 hours ago

    Part of my cathartic process, prose cum poem, to get me past my anger and bitterness.

    Memories of a Dear Dad.

    I struggle to see beyond my last few memories
    Of the great times we had,
    Of your generosity and happiness
    And great fathership.

    I cannot erase;
    Your glazed watery eyes
    Your bulbous orange peel nose
    Your florid complexion
    Your huge belly
    Blackened legs, ankles and feet
    Eczema hands, body and arms
    The slurred speech
    The falling blackouts,
    Helping you to bed,
    The vomiting and incontinence,
    The plastic bottle and straw, housing the gin,
    Right to the bitter end,
    Your only sustenance in the last 5 weeks,
    The vicious delirium
    The morphine
    Our complicity in maintaining a semblance of normality
    The silent denial by all of the reality.

    I invited the masses
    To drink to your health at your wake,
    Alone, I did not……
    Your legacy is my alcoholism
    Thanks for all the memories.

    I battle against the same mistakes.

    • My heart goes out to you. Stay strong.

      • Thanks. I am pretty good just a tad angry and bitter. However expressing that and saying I am an alcoholic has been my most difficult hurdle. Thank you x.

    • Tearing up at this. For me it’s my Mum. Still here but totally lost to the drink. We too ignore the reality. At least you have chosen another path. It hurts I know. Great poem.

      • It has taken me a long time to say those things and to admit I am an alcoholic. It has been pent up inside and there is huge relief saying it. I can only say it now he has passed. I was part of the cover up just the same as everyone. Although I was the only person ever to mention it and my mother will still not admit it. She says he liked a drink but it was never excessive. His quality of life at the end was awful. I would not wish it on anyone. I wish you well with your own battle and that of your mothers. It’s one hell of a road. Just love the clarity of sobriety. Let me know if I can help more. Take care thinking of you x

    • For me,it was my mom and brother.💙💙💙.

    • Wow! You are a talented writer!
      Im sorry you lost your dad, I hope peace finds you and your family soon x

    • You are putting in the tough work and clearly reaping the benefit of processing your experiences. Sending positive thoughts your way that you maintain the peace and clarity you deserve <3

      • Thank you so much. I am sure I can feel it across the world. I have truly relaxed since writing that. One of the most soul exposing moments of my alcohol career and a real marker in the sand. Take care.

  • AndIan posted a new activity comment 4 days, 2 hours ago

    I have written a short but hard hitting piece. About the death of an alcoholic. Having seen that god knows why I carried on drinking. But I have stopped before it’s too late, I am very aware of the impact upon my body and the huge improvement AF makes. I have two vivid memories of alcoholic death, the gin in hospital in the last few hours, and the fear of the widow that the death certificate might state something about alcohol. It was a sad and slow passing, and all elements of dignity slipped away. AF may not have prolonged that life but the quality of life for the person and his family could have been considerably better.

  • AndIan posted an update 4 days, 12 hours ago

    @renoir68 welcome this is a great place. My history similar and the final few years of an alcoholic is beyond most people’s imagination. Despite seeing it and living it my battle has been ongoing for 25 years, Day 38 and feeling pretty good now. I do not want to part this earth and my family like I have seen.

  • AndIan posted a new activity comment 4 days, 12 hours ago

    Love it. I am reckoning a Bright Eyes fan. Yup a marathon not a sprint. Great inspirational story, thanks.

  • AndIan posted a new activity comment 4 days, 12 hours ago

    Great chat and advice here. All the best.

  • AndIan posted a new activity comment 4 days, 12 hours ago

    I knew it would probably be the death of me as my health was suffering. Also my family had had enough. My slightly naive son was desperate to help and very suggestive. I had to listen to him. It was simple to him!!!

    • @mrschurchill I’ve known for about 5 years but it took a few really dreadful nights out over about 2 years before I really faced facts.
      And then the job I’m currently contracted on was incredibly intense and I realized I just wasn’t on my best form. If I wanted to succeed at my job I needed every ounce of my brain, and not to be foggy due to drinking too much over the weekend. That then turned into facing the bigger picture. I also have a much loved sister that I was spending a lot of time with, and her drinking was really worrying me. All of the above just kind of collided at the right time for me to just stop. It hasn’t been hard at all so far. I think for me the slow slow burn meant it was just the right time.

    • “It was simple to him” — LOL. Yes. I’ve been reading a bit on the damage that alcohol does to the body and that definitely planted the seeds for me to give it up. I don’t really want to die that way.

      • I have written a short but hard hitting piece. About the death of an alcoholic. Having seen that god knows why I carried on drinking. But I have stopped before it’s too late, I am very aware of the impact upon my body and the huge improvement AF makes. I have two vivid memories of alcoholic death, the gin in hospital in the last few hours, and the fear of the widow that the death certificate might state something about alcohol. It was a sad and slow passing, and all elements of dignity slipped away. AF may not have prolonged that life but the quality of life for the person and his family could have been considerably better.

  • AndIan posted a new activity comment 4 days, 17 hours ago

    Hi @jennah I always found day 4 and 5 the hardest in my multiple attempts just had to bite the bullett accept sweats and no sleep, or very little. Heaps of paracetamol and battle through. Not much help but day 6 was always good to get to. Good luck.

  • AndIan posted an update 4 days, 19 hours ago

    Mrs D, sorry I just private messaged you via Facebook. Hope that’s ok. I needed to download. Thank you most sincerely for such amazing support. It is helping so much, you, the site and knowing friends. Sincere thanks.

  • AndIan changed their profile picture 5 days, 1 hour ago

  • AndIan changed their profile picture 5 days, 1 hour ago

  • AndIan posted a new activity comment 5 days, 1 hour ago

    Yup, incessant headaches and sleepless nights for me. Paracetamol helped me. Glad to say I am through that phase now and feeling great and my body is enjoying being poison free. In NZ it’s 6am but assume your bewitching hour is about 5pm. Go for a brisk walk, think of the benefits, the puffiness of the face and eyes that disappears, the breathing and financial benefits. I am loving life.

  • AndIan posted a new activity comment 1 week ago

    @k1w1 look at the lines of numbers, horizontal and vertical. Remember each line has the numbers 1-9 as does each square. That normally helps. Good luck it’s great fun.

    • k1W1 replied 1 week ago

      Thanks I can do that but it’s the harder ones I struggle with 🤔

  • AndIan posted an update 1 week ago

    @seizetheday your truth and honesty resonate deeply with me. The planning, the lies and deception were all too common and eventually became the norm. I functioned brilliantly. With my wife’s support we managed to deceive everyone, and worse still I deceived her. My consumption was beyond her imagination. But she stood by me. I have managed long periods of sobriety and I am confident this has the makings of a long one. But the addiction made me unreasonable. I am angry and bitter about the addiction and more so about the reasons for my addiction. An environment and childhood where alcohol was a regular occurrence and it was written in the stars, I was normalised to alcohol and addiction. I yearn to be at peace with my past so I can move on with confidence to the future. Alcohol will be the death of me, I am better than that. Thank you and good luck.

    • Yup you are better than that. You are worth more than that liquid that’s been poured down your throat, that changes who you truly are. Even a lifetime of drinking can be turned around.
      There’s so much help on here, baby steps and you can really do this xo

    • You really are so much better than alcohol. I hope you will find the tools to come to terms with your past and feel peace moving forward.

  • AndIan posted a new activity comment 1 week, 1 day ago

    Welcome @ktcookie this is a great place to be. Lots of friends and advice and support here. You are not alone on this journey. Kia kaha, be strong.

    • Thank you. I’m feeling pretty apprehensive. This is a painful time and I’m testing out ways to deal with my grief. Drinking less would help I think.

  • AndIan posted a new activity comment 1 week, 1 day ago

    Sober brain and body, let’s celebrate. How do you not regret the past?

    • For me I will always regret the past. Some people say “no regrets” but I disagree. I will forever regret the dum things I said and did. It still makes me cry to this day. But it’s a healthy fear of not ever wanting to be that person again. I was imperfect and I made mistakes. Now all I can do is say sorry and show by my life that I truly am sorry for what alcohol made me become. Regret can be ok. It can help you move forward. Xo

  • AndIan posted a new activity comment 1 week, 1 day ago

    Thank you, you have just hit the nail on the head, make peace with the past….that is something I have never ever come to terms with. There’s my project. Anyone out there with ideas on how to make peace with the past?

  • AndIan posted a new activity comment 1 week, 1 day ago

    Hi @chasingthedandelion we started this journey about the same time. Love the freedom and clarity. Love the space and time. Love not planning the daily binge. Love life.

    • @Andlan yes we are at similar places, nice to have someone tracking along with me! It is definitely starting to feel normal for me now and loving the quiet mind.

  • AndIan posted a new activity comment 1 week, 1 day ago

    Hi how are you going. This is a marathon not a sprint. Clear head, no dull headaches, and optimism. Take care stay strong.

  • AndIan posted a new activity comment 1 week, 1 day ago

    Good on you. Spend the savings on those beautiful children of yours. Also your sober lifestyle is the role modelling they need to see. Their future is so much based upon upon your actions. Enjoy and celebrate sobriety.

  • AndIan posted an update 1 week, 1 day ago

    Nestled in the mountains of NZ, the stars are simply stunning, it’s going to be a beautiful day. A period of rest and recuperation and some soul searching. I start day 35 in a contemplative and solid space. I am quietly confident yet still spend parts of each day reflecting on wasted time, regrets, and frustration. Anger because alcohol has a hold on me like no other. Enough of dwelling on the past. The future is bright. Sober and clear, rapidly losing weight, bright, fit and healthy. Optimistic about my new life. Not quite sure why I wrote this but needed to say something. Thank you. I suppose admitting to being an alcoholic is key.

    • Day 35 is fantastic. And you’re right to be optimistic. Yes the hard stuff in life still comes our way but to deal with it with a fully sober brain and body is hugely rewarding and certainly doesn’t carry an ounce of regret with it. Onwards and upwards xo

      • Sober brain and body, let’s celebrate. How do you not regret the past?

        • For me I will always regret the past. Some people say “no regrets” but I disagree. I will forever regret the dum things I said and did. It still makes me cry to this day. But it’s a healthy fear of not ever wanting to be that person again. I was imperfect and I made mistakes. Now all I can do is say sorry and show by my life that I truly am sorry for what alcohol made me become. Regret can be ok. It can help you move forward. Xo

    • Morning you sound like you’re in such a great place mentally and physically. I guess we can only learn from the past make peace with it and move on. Well done you on day 35 🤩

      • Thank you, you have just hit the nail on the head, make peace with the past….that is something I have never ever come to terms with. There’s my project. Anyone out there with ideas on how to make peace with the past?

    • I enjoyed reading your post, @Andlan. I can’t wait to also be at 35 days, so hearing you describe where you are at mentally and physically was a great motivation. Well done!

  • AndIan posted a new activity comment 1 week, 1 day ago

    I totally understand. As you grow and develop alcohol free things change. And what was appropriate at the start may not be right now. I am going to change my description. I am in a positive place now and things are different. Maybe the site might look at that?

  • AndIan posted a new activity comment 1 week, 4 days ago

    Sure is a great day in Chch. Well done.

  • AndIan posted a new activity comment 2 weeks ago

    I get the spiritual feeling too. Love sober.

  • AndIan posted a new activity comment 2 weeks ago

    I think you need to sit down with the bf and discuss the challenges, the difficulties and the hell you go through. If you are totally honest about your actions and problems he may show more empathy and celebrate your huge successes. I know the lies and deception are tough but you obviously revel in sobriety, let the good times dominate.

  • AndIan posted a new activity comment 2 weeks ago

    Well done and Kia kaha. @MaoriGirlSober, our families and parents have a lot to answer, but they didn’t mean harm, they were doing the best at the time. Best look forward, not back, and enjoy those lovely sober mornings, the absence of lies and the healthy bank balance.

  • AndIan posted a new activity comment 2 weeks ago

    Perfect sentiments. I totally agree well done and well said.

  • AndIan posted a new activity comment 2 weeks, 1 day ago

    In my short 27 days this time and numerous lengthy AF spells I find the best excuse is I am taking medicines that a, don’t allow alcohol or b, alcohol reacts badly with the drugs, and c, my latest, and genuine, I get awful indigestion with alcohol and the drugs and it’s just not worth it. Works well esp with my wife’s support.
    Dry July is a good one, tell them you are doing it for charity and suggest they may like to sponsor you. Some will and others will leave you alone. Anyway you decide what is best for you. Look after yourself.

  • AndIan posted a new activity comment 2 weeks, 2 days ago

    Thanks you take care.

  • AndIan posted a new activity comment 2 weeks, 2 days ago

    Thanks feeling confident without complacency. Thanks.

  • AndIan posted a new activity comment 2 weeks, 2 days ago

    Tell them it’s for a charity. That will stop them asking when they think you are after money.

  • AndIan posted a new activity comment 2 weeks, 3 days ago

    Thank you @lucy, don’t you love this place for friendship and honesty and support. x back at you.

  • AndIan posted a new activity comment 2 weeks, 3 days ago

    Frosty here too on SI.

  • AndIan posted a new activity comment 2 weeks, 3 days ago

    Just a thought. It’s Dry July, just you started 2 days early. Good luck you can do it.

    • Tell them it’s for a charity. That will stop them asking when they think you are after money.

  • AndIan posted a new activity comment 2 weeks, 3 days ago

    I am dwelling less on trivia now I am free of alcohol. Great life. Enjoy.

  • AndIan posted an update 2 weeks, 3 days ago

    A work related trip this week, planned months ago built in much drinking time for two nights. With trepidation I could not back out. I need not have worried. My first drink, of many, my favourite Diet Coke, was not even mentioned. I had a great trip, heaps of work and not a drop of alcohol. A major hurdle successfully crossed with minimal fuss. i would probably have had 6 bottles of wine over two nights, and felt crap. Now as I start day 26 I feel great and very proud of myself. Looking forward to a cold frosty and sunny weekend in the mountains. Life is good. Relationships even better. Good weekend everyone.

  • AndIan posted a new activity comment 2 weeks, 3 days ago

    @tgrim, your honesty is amazing. We risk life and limb, our own and our loved ones in the pursuit of alcohol. It can be devestating. But you have acknowledged your weaknesses and can focus on the way forward. The line in the sand is drawn. Enjoy the peace and calm that comes with sobriety. And buy your wonderful family gifts with your savings. The future is bright.

  • AndIan posted a new activity comment 2 weeks, 4 days ago

    Moderation is a myth……my thoughts and reflections mirror this perfectly. The old saying one is not enough and one is too many because it would be the end of this lovely clear headed journey. I love posts like this. Thank you and bon voyage.

  • AndIan posted a new activity comment 2 weeks, 4 days ago

    Hi @sam27 if you are able to drink moderately then you are a stronger person than most of us. I certainly have desperately tried moderation but I might have fooled my family occasionally but the reality was I was always drinking very heavily. I lied and covered up where possible my worst excesses but one bottle of wine was never enough. More like in excess of 2 and more. Total abstinence was my only option and as day 24 comes to a close, I feel great. I am happy with my choice, I hope you are true to yours. Good luck. I wish you well. And thanks to all those who have posted support. It means a lot, I really mean that.

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