• Allornorhing posted a new activity comment 2 months, 1 week ago

    To add to this, he asked to get back with me. Tears, kissing the whole shenanigans. When I told him he had to quit drinking he went right back to some chick who’s enabling him. I’m just stunned. He knows I love him. He could have been a full time dad again.

  • Allornorhing posted a new activity comment 2 months, 1 week ago

    I’m with Al anon now. Been a blessing already. Just helped me focus on myself

  • Allornorhing posted a new activity comment 3 months, 2 weeks ago

    Ye I think he wants to be like everyone else. Be able to drink when he wants. It seems like some right of passage to control his drinking. He’s frustrated cos he can’t control it and therefore can’t have it. But his need to control it… His need be like his peers. I can understand a chemical addiction more that being like his peers. This culture of drinking doesn’t help. We put no emphasis on improving ourselves, becoming more spiritual.

    • Hi there. He’s frustrated because he can’t control it and expects that this is him simply being weak, whereas it is actually the addiction that has become strong. When he finally realizes that as much as he wants it he can’t actually control his drinking then things will change. Then he will only have 2 choices: carry on drinking and things get worse and worse, or stop drinking. Sooner or later the pain of carrying on exceeds the pain of stopping. When he gets there his mind will change.

  • Allornorhing posted a new activity comment 3 months, 2 weeks ago

    Yes. I’ve been meaning to go. It’s important for me to understand where his denial comes from so I don’t take it personally. Its so easy to get drawn in. He’s great at playing the victim card. Ye I understand that letting him back in my life as an active drinker would just be enabling him and he would have no motivation to quit. Its hard when you love somebody and you see their real self. Their true potential.. Its so painful when alcohol blinds them from being a better person…or just himself. Big hugs to everyone on here. I can only imagine your struggle. God, I wish I could just hug it all away like my kids cuts & bruises. You’re all bloody awesome!!!

  • Allornorhing posted a new activity comment 3 months, 2 weeks ago

    Thanks. I want a dog!

  • Allornorhing posted a new activity comment 3 months, 2 weeks ago

    Thanks, I just don’t know how to get through to him. He had sobered up, went through AA, was doing great and now he’s relapsed. Don’t know when it started but he quit AA and started drinking and he’s in such denial now it’s scary. He wants to drink so he can feel normal and no amout of talking about every other ‘moderated drinking that ended in disaster every time’ will persuade him. There’s no logic..its like he’s removed himself from all the past experiences and its a clean slate. But its the same addicted slate. I refuse to enable him which is heart wrnching for me as he’s the father of my kids and I’d give anything to have him back. But I CANT have him back drinking in any shape or form.

    • Unfortunately, the choice has to come from him. He has to want to give up alcohol and manage himself to do so. You are being the best person trying to help him, and I guess all you can do is hang in there, and see if he can make the choice that will be best for him to see his children and have a healthy relationship with them and you, instead of an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. Good not to enable him, all you can do is let him know you will support his sobriety but you can’t support his drinking. Protect your children and yourself from the harm his drinking may cause, emotionally and physically, children see everything and even though they may not know what the demon alcohol is for their father they will learn eventually.
      Take care of you and your children first.

    • Yes. I’ve been meaning to go. It’s important for me to understand where his denial comes from so I don’t take it personally. Its so easy to get drawn in. He’s great at playing the victim card. Ye I understand that letting him back in my life as an active drinker would just be enabling him and he would have no motivation to quit. Its hard when you love somebody and you see their real self. Their true potential.. Its so painful when alcohol blinds them from being a better person…or just himself. Big hugs to everyone on here. I can only imagine your struggle. God, I wish I could just hug it all away like my kids cuts & bruises. You’re all bloody awesome!!!

  • I’m on here because I want to help a friend. Is it ok to post here? I’m trying to understand his addiction problem

    • Thanks, I just don’t know how to get through to him. He had sobered up, went through AA, was doing great and now he’s relapsed. Don’t know when it started but he quit AA and started drinking and he’s in such denial now it’s scary. He wants to drink so he can feel normal and no amout of talking about every other ‘moderated drinking that ended in disaster every time’ will persuade him. There’s no logic..its like he’s removed himself from all the past experiences and its a clean slate. But its the same addicted slate. I refuse to enable him which is heart wrnching for me as he’s the father of my kids and I’d give anything to have him back. But I CANT have him back drinking in any shape or form.

      • Unfortunately, the choice has to come from him. He has to want to give up alcohol and manage himself to do so. You are being the best person trying to help him, and I guess all you can do is hang in there, and see if he can make the choice that will be best for him to see his children and have a healthy relationship with them and you, instead of an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. Good not to enable him, all you can do is let him know you will support his sobriety but you can’t support his drinking. Protect your children and yourself from the harm his drinking may cause, emotionally and physically, children see everything and even though they may not know what the demon alcohol is for their father they will learn eventually.
        Take care of you and your children first.

    • Have you thought about attending Alnon it’s for friends family of alcoholics

      • I agree with @k1w1 – Al Anon.

      • Yes. I’ve been meaning to go. It’s important for me to understand where his denial comes from so I don’t take it personally. Its so easy to get drawn in. He’s great at playing the victim card. Ye I understand that letting him back in my life as an active drinker would just be enabling him and he would have no motivation to quit. Its hard when you love somebody and you see their real self. Their true potential.. Its so painful when alcohol blinds them from being a better person…or just himself. Big hugs to everyone on here. I can only imagine your struggle. God, I wish I could just hug it all away like my kids cuts & bruises. You’re all bloody awesome!!!

      • I’m with Al anon now. Been a blessing already. Just helped me focus on myself

    • Hi @allornorhing This is the worst time for you. As others has said nothing can change until he wants it to. But you’ve spotted the main thing that currently drives this behaviour; he has to “drink so he can feel normal”. This is completely real and true for him…. he does. When he doesn’t drink he will be feeling miserable, anxious, socially insecure, constantly on-edge and his mind will be endlessly churning over and over all his problems. All these things disappear when he drinks, and his brain has recognised this… so he is triggered to drink when he feels down. But these feelings, jumpiness and racing mind are themselves actually caused by drinking. So he is currently in a self-feeding loop whereby he drinks to relieve unhappiness, anxiety, loneliness etc which is caused by drinking.
      His own mind tells him to drink, because that makes him feel better. He is convinced that drinking is the solution to his problem, and he cannot believe that alcohol is the cause of it… his mind is geared to lead him to the opposite conclusion. It takes time to break down this denial, but it does happen. Most alcoholics DO recover, but there is no progress possible until he realises that he has a problem and that this problem MUST be addressed. He’ll get there but until then it is awful for those looking on.
      As others have said, Al-anon will help you (and the children) but the focus there is on keeping you well, not really helping him recover. All you can do is keep repeating the message that his drinking is doing harm, not good. It will sound like you are nagging, but he hears what you say even if he gets angry about it. Good luck and bless you for trying. It WILL get better but the timing is beyond your control… so focus on doing the rights things for yourself and your children while you wait.

      • Ye I think he wants to be like everyone else. Be able to drink when he wants. It seems like some right of passage to control his drinking. He’s frustrated cos he can’t control it and therefore can’t have it. But his need to control it… His need be like his peers. I can understand a chemical addiction more that being like his peers. This culture of drinking doesn’t help. We put no emphasis on improving ourselves, becoming more spiritual.

        • Hi there. He’s frustrated because he can’t control it and expects that this is him simply being weak, whereas it is actually the addiction that has become strong. When he finally realizes that as much as he wants it he can’t actually control his drinking then things will change. Then he will only have 2 choices: carry on drinking and things get worse and worse, or stop drinking. Sooner or later the pain of carrying on exceeds the pain of stopping. When he gets there his mind will change.

      • To add to this, he asked to get back with me. Tears, kissing the whole shenanigans. When I told him he had to quit drinking he went right back to some chick who’s enabling him. I’m just stunned. He knows I love him. He could have been a full time dad again.

  • Allornorhing changed their profile picture 3 months, 2 weeks ago

  • Allornorhing became a registered member 3 months, 2 weeks ago