• Aimless posted an update 1 month, 2 weeks ago

    I’ve made it to 14 days (well actually in 15 now)! Excited but also super scared. I feel a bit like of a butterfly coming out of its cacoon and becoming aware of the wonderful sober things around it but at the same time I’m terrified because I’ve been here before and I know it’s about now that the wine witch gets really loud and starts telling me that I’m fine, there is nothing wrong with me and that of course I can moderate! I’m terrified of losing this very fragile grip that I have on sobriety.

    I’m catching up with a very close group of wonderful girlfriends tomorrow night who are completely oblivious to my dirty little secret. I’m planning on coming clean and admitting that I’ve got a problem and that I’m working hard to sort it out. I’m hoping that they will join my sober tribe and support me 😊

    • Hi @Aimless, congrats on 15 days! Some of the best advice I got was ‘keep the sober momentum going’. I think that’s where day counts are useful – as more and more days add up, you do not want to return to day 1. I hope you have a great time tmo with your friends. : )

    • Early on there is a desire to tell others, perhaps because “quitting” is constantly on our minds when we first stop drinking. But telling others is an invitation to them to ask many personal questions, and and possibly voice their opinions on why you don’t need to stop….opinions given without having all the facts. You might be putting yourself in a situation where you are trying to convince them that you are an alcoholic, and you likely don’t want that conversation. Would they join you in not drinking? Very unlikely. Would they support you? I think they would. But there is no need to tell them. Time will take care of that. I would just go have fun with them, and if it comes up, tell them that you aren’t drinking today. And if that’s true, that’s a wonderful thing. I also need to congratulate you on the two weeks!

    • Kick that wine witch to the curb, @aimless! You can do this! @tom4500‘s advice sounds good…maybe you don’t need to explain anything. I know my family (lovely as they are) would probably ask a barrage of questions that would stress me out and cause me to question my assumptions. If you feel like your sobriety is a tender green young shoot, protect it from the wind and rain! I’m cheering for you!

    • Congrats on 15 days! Go ahead and take that count. I’m with the others, I was successful this time because I worked my program out here loudly but very quietly in the real world. I didn’t even talk to my hubs about it for 3 weeks. I also was very fragile up to about 6 months, gradually gaining my sober legs. I feared encountering the dates I often failed but remedied that by building up my sober toolbox and actually making a real life one I put under my bed in case of emergencies. I haven’t had to use it but just knowing there is something I can physically grab to help me remain sober removed that nagging fear.

      • Wow – I love that idea of an actual toolbox!
        If not too personal – maybe you could let us know what some of the tools are?

        • Sure! @savtadon’tdrinknomore, I put in a can of lime LaCroix, sweets, a page of favorite one-liners, a list of things to do rather than turn to drink, music, websites, numbers to call for support, fidget things to keep my hands busy when my head is spinning, and a list of things I found for grief as fear of losing my Mom and son is at the top of my list of relapse causers. Also a reminder to just PAUSE. I forget to just stop and breathe a lot. I constantly need to be reminded to just pause. This box has removed that nagging fear of “what if this happens”. I dumped all that fear into this box. I know what my first step will be now. xo

      • Thanks @jocord
        So tired I can’t focus on your answer!
        But thanks for responding.
        I’ve been acting as a semi-caregiver for my mother for abt 5 weeks now.
        Only one slip-up & drank a little & spilled it out.
        Tonight we are having a guest who brought a bottle of wine for himself.
        I told him it was ok.

  • Aimless posted a new activity comment 1 month, 2 weeks ago

    I’m certainly not a shining example of sobriety (yet! 😉). I’ve been on and off the wagon a few times this year but am finding my latest sober stretch (9 days and counting) easier than any of my past attempts. I am taking Antabuse and that helps with short term impulses to drink because I know I physically can’t. I’m also immersing myself in the sober world online and reading as many books/blogs as I can. AA recommend 90 meetings in 90 days when you first start and while AA isn’t for me I kind of see spending a lot of time in online sober forums etc in those first few days/weeks as doing the same thing!

    One blog post I love is Clare Pooleys one about The Obstacle Course it is well worth a read 😊. http://mummywasasecretdrinker.blogspot.com/2015/09/the-obstacle-course.html?m=1

  • Aimless posted a new activity comment 1 month, 3 weeks ago

    The one that got to me yesterday was ‘wine + dinner = winner. I wanted to comment and say that no it doesn’t = winner it = alcohol dependent mummy who is disengaged from the children, compromising her health and ruining her relationships….nobody is a winner where alcohol is concerned, even those able to moderate!!!! But I don’t have the courage to out myself on social media yet as a formerly alcohol dependent mummy so I didn’t comment 🙄. Maybe one day I’ll have the courage to speak up.

    • Oh, nope @Aimless, I wouldn’t say it on social media either. You could do yourself a lot of harm. But speaking of social media, a lot of people here, me too, stay off it to avoid fomo. Life is more peaceful without looking at Fb!

  • Aimless posted an update 1 month, 3 weeks ago

    Following on from my post from this morning here is the link to Clare Pooleys post about the obstacle course. For any in the first days or weeks of their AF journey it is well worth a read and has really helped me 😊. http://mummywasasecretdrinker.blogspot.com/2015/09/the-obstacle-course.html?m=1

  • Aimless posted an update 1 month, 3 weeks ago

    Warning rant ahead!….. All of these social media posts glorifying drinking particularly by Mums are really making me mad! Not only do they trick us into drinking under false pretences (that it will somehow magically relax us or help us to be better parents after a long day, or that we deserve it as a treat after a hard day juggling kids and work) it also normalises it so that when we decide to do the right thing and give it up we feel like we are somehow missing out! We are creating a generation of middle aged women dependent on alcohol and too afraid to speak out for fear of compromising our careers and our social lives. Something is seriously wrong! When will society wake up and see alcohol in the same light as smoking or cocaine or meth?!?!?!

    ….sorry rant over 😊

    • Rant approved 👏🏻

    • Precisely. I was brainwashed – so ashamed to admit it, but then, I hear everyone gasping for wine all week and realise we are so surrounded by the craziness that it takes a concerted effort – or a great woman like MrsD, to stand up and say NO.

    • I love a good rant! Excellent points – each and every. I have no kids. And I’m a working professional. It’s so different in my world. Wine talk and wine tasting and wine at lunch and wine, wine, wine. But you know what??? I’ve starting noting how some of my “professional” colleagues actually look – a bit bloated, slow thinking , you know the deal. And I see shades of my former self in more than a few of them. (Takes one to know one, right?) Unfortunately it’s everywhere.

    • I agree! It’s the vast marketing of alcohol especially to Moms which pisses me off. “Mommy’s medicine”, “Mommy’s little helper”, “Mommy juice”. Here, Mom’s are marketed for a whole day off drinking. “Enjoy your day off beginning with mimosas for breakfast, enjoy craft beer at the flea market, and end with wine tastings visiting the local vineries”. Yeah, and then try to get ready for the next day after that! No, thank you.

      • The one that got to me yesterday was ‘wine + dinner = winner. I wanted to comment and say that no it doesn’t = winner it = alcohol dependent mummy who is disengaged from the children, compromising her health and ruining her relationships….nobody is a winner where alcohol is concerned, even those able to moderate!!!! But I don’t have the courage to out myself on social media yet as a formerly alcohol dependent mummy so I didn’t comment 🙄. Maybe one day I’ll have the courage to speak up.

        • Oh, nope @Aimless, I wouldn’t say it on social media either. You could do yourself a lot of harm. But speaking of social media, a lot of people here, me too, stay off it to avoid fomo. Life is more peaceful without looking at Fb!

    • I totally hear ya. You summed it up perfectly right there!

      • I think we need a big culture shift, starting with the small things. Since I’ve stopped drinking I’ve also stopped using drinking emoji in social media posts – I use flowers instead. “Wine O’clock” sounds so cute and innocent – if it was rebranded as what it really is “Awake for under 12 hours and need to blur out reality with a drug already O’clock” – less appealing!

  • Aimless posted an update 1 month, 3 weeks ago

    Woohoo 7 days (again)! Feeling really positive this time though. I’ve been doing a LOT of reading and Clare Pooleys analogy about the obstacle course has really stuck in my head. When you keep relapsing in the early days you are doing the hardest part again and again and again and never actually getting over that final wall into the beautiful sunny field filled with bunnies! I’m determined to make it to the field of bunnies this time!

  • Aimless posted a new activity comment 1 month, 3 weeks ago

    One day at a time Miss Maddie. I’ve heard people say that they ‘read themselves sober’ and I think there is something in it. If you haven’t already Mrs D’s book ‘Mrs D is going without’ is great as is Clare Pooleys ‘Sober Diaries’. My lifesaver has been Antabuse, it takes away the option (not the craving). I still have visits from the wine witch but I know I’ll be horribly sick if I have even the slightest amount to drink. This is giving me the breathing space to deal with the bigger issues and the confidence that I can do it.

    • Thank you so much for all your advise !!!! Iv read a couple of those books and they definitely helped me when I managed to stop drinking for 5 months over a year ago now … until I convinced myself I was cured lol silly silly silly… only took 1 wine to be right back at the bottom of that shit hole ! Il stick close to this site!!! Thank u so much x

  • 😓 the all to familiar look of disgust on my husbands face as I stumble off to bed drunk at 9pm, then avoiding eye contact in the morning because I can’t bear to see the disappointment in his eyes. When will I learn I can’t moderate! Day 1 (again!) back on the Antabuse 🙄

    • One day after another you will do it ! 🙂

    • Oh god hun I know too well that look. It’s sole destroying. I was there where you are at 14 days ago. So many day ones, the silence from my partner and disappointment sighs. Him sitting in one room me in the other wringing my hands and upset that I did it again. Do you stay sober for a good while and everything is great again with your partner and the world? Then that bloody voice in your head says oh go on just the one drink go on? And boom, sloshed again. You are so not alone, I can’t moderate as many on here can’t either. Believe in yourself you can do this and please don’t beat yourself up about this either it’s just another bump in the road to recovery and freedom. Don’t pick up that first drink and stay strong x

    • Has he never made a dick of himself then Mr High and bloody mighty? Boo bloody schmoo. Pick yourself up then. What’s got to change? Do you want to stop drinking? Get a plan in place, declare abstinence to yourself and really mean it and then get on with living! I used to cry every day wishing I could stop drinking. Wishing doesn’t really cut it though. If you give it a good crack I think you’ll find that your attitude might just change and you won’t want to drink again. I decided fairly early on that was it, and I haven’t found it too much of a problem because I don’t have the internal struggle of whether or not I’ll drink because I don’t drink. Whatever the catalyst your motivation has to be for yourself though. Everything else will fall into place when you stop drinking. Take it easy on yourself out there

  • Aimless posted an update 4 months, 1 week ago

    Am today more than ever feeling grateful for my sobriety. Last night I was able to focus 100% on my children when they were finally released from school lock down. I was able to cuddle them and comfort them without subconsciously worrying about how I was going to get to the shops to buy wine and I was able to lie with them and hold them until they drifted off to sleep. Yesterday was an absolutely horrific day for our beautiful city and our country. Stay strong NZ and don’t let one mans vile actions be our undoing.

  • Wow 14 days. Who knew I could do that! 14 beautiful AF hangover free days, 13 great nights sleep $280 saved. It certainly hasn’t be easy and I’m grateful for the Antabuse as it’s helping to shut the 5pm wine witch up! When she rears her ugly head I remember the Antabuse, know it’s not an option and she goes away. I’ve had periods of being quite grumpy at normal drinkers but I know that’s never going to be me and I just need to accept it.

    Thanks for all your supportive posts. I may not post often but I read your posts every day and it’s really helping me to get my head around AF life. 😊

  • Woohoo made it to Day 7. The Antabuse has definitely made it easier this time as drinking just isn’t an option. I can’t just give in and pop to the supermarket even if I wanted to.

  • Thanks for all the lovely support you have given me over the last 4 days. My wee man is out of hospital and on the mend 😊. Day 4 highlight for me today is getting to hang out with the kids while hubby does the groceries! Previously Sunday had revolved around planning how much wine I could get away with buying with the groceries and then working out how to smuggle the extra bottles into the house without him knowing. Oh the freedom!

  • So I didn’t get to enjoy yesterday’s sober treat of fresh sheets on the bed. Instead I spent the night in hospital with one of my children. Beyond grateful that I am sober and able to be there for him 100%. Day 3 and feeling free.

  • Aimless posted a new activity comment 4 months, 4 weeks ago

    I’m only on day 2 but tonight’s treat is fresh crisp clean sheets that I normally wouldn’t appreciate because I’d be too drunk! Can’t wait!

  • Ohhh the joy of waking up without a hangover!

  • Aimless posted a new activity comment 4 months, 4 weeks ago

    I’m terrified and excited all at the same time!

  • I did it. I did it. I actually did it! I saw my gp today and was brutally honest about my drinking. He was AMAZING and rather than judging me was proud of me for taking the first step. I have a prescription for Antabuse and a ph number for the community support service. Here’s to day 1!

  • Aimless posted an update 5 months ago

    Thanks for all the lovely welcome comments. I’m a 40 something mum and professional. Most of my friends and colleagues would be shocked at what happens when that clock ticks past 5! I know I need to do something for me and my family but quite frankly I’m terrified! A couple of questions. Has anyone used Antabuse? Was it helpful? Did anyone admit their problem/seek help from their gp? I’ve realised I can’t do this on my own but I’m terrified of people judging me!

    • When people judge you it defines them, not you. Some people are going to be judgemental, but they do so from ignorance. You will not be judged here. People here understand. We all need help, and you should take it from wherever you are able. Talking to your doctor is a good idea but many aren’t that knowledgable about drinking matters. If your Doctor (or anyone else for that matter) suggests “just limit yourself to a couple” then walk away. They haven’t a clue. You’re on a different road now… Keep going! You are doing fine.

    • Yes go on antabuse, ive used it in and off for years, it is a tool but not a long term tool. Also ask bout Naltrexone. See your G.P, no joy change, simple. Dont hide by your thought of being judged, they judge, you know it, move to someone else. I take it your in NZ if so, if in Auck Hamil wellington or chch contact CAREnz. Or go to A&D at your hospital (can be useless 😉 ) also check out Rational Recovery Website. Go well, keep posting 🙂

    • Do whatever it takes hon and to hell with anyone who judges – the worst are those who cannot admit they are addicted, or who have no understanding of humans, living shallow, controlled lives. Those types are too sad and boring to matter.
      You will get complete confidentiality from your Dr – just say you are stressed and cannot resist drinking too much, so please, antabuse or Naltrexone, and anything else that may help. Loads of B vitamins, magnesium, D and great nutrition will help as alcohol strips us of nutrients.
      Is there a close friend or family member who would understand, stand by you, and not judge? You may be making it HUGE in your mind, when millions find it too hard to stop whatever they depend on.
      Tiny steps, keep in touch here, and imagine how lovely it will be to be free – you can do it, and it IS really lovely.

    • Hi there @aimless! You are in good company. Many of us here are function at high levels and have learned how to hide the alcohol abuse from everyone around us. That’s why we can’t go off of our friends/family who say – you’re fine! They don’t live in our heads or understand how much we think about drinking and planning when we will drink next, and managing it so we don’t seem like a “lush”. Its exhausting, isn’t it?! So much better putting it down and being honest with ourselves. Check in here often for support, and also check out the “sober toolbox” on this blog – full of great ideas. Good luck!! xox

  • Aimless became a registered member 5 months ago