I was asked this question the other day.
“Mrs D, do you NEVER wish that you could have just one glass of an amazing wine, to savour and enjoy with a meal or a friend? Do you really NOT want to taste wine ever again? Did you hope for a while, whilst on your sober journey, that one day you could do this? Or did you, right from the start, accept that was it. Done.”
Here’s my answer.
NO, I never wish that I could have one glass of wine. I don’t think wine is amazing and don’t want to savour it. I just look at that stuff as being a stupid, expensive liquid drug wrapped up in clever sales pitch that had me convinced for too many years that it makes for a better life when it doesn’t.
It’s not amazing to me. I just see it as destructive, expensive and emotion numbing. Over-rated to the max.
The proof I have for this belief is firmly etched in my memory bank. It’s in the many memories I have of me sloppy drunk and disconnected. Numerous instances of me slurring, stumbling, vomiting, miserable. It’s in the countless awful 3am wake-ups where I’d be full of self-loathing and physical illness. Wine did that. Wine stiffled me, bought me to my knees, shut me off from experiencing things to the full, removed me from forming true, deep connections, and utterly ruined my self-conficence and self-belief.
So no, I do not wish I could have that stuff back in my life.
And YES, I did accept this right from the start. While it took some months to truly turn my thinking around, from day 1 I accepted fully that alcohol was a big problem for me, that I couldn’t control the stuff, and that it had to go forever. Period.
Again – I had the proof all there in the many years I’d been imbibing enthusiastically and sloppily and the many months (towards the end) that I actively tried to control my intake. I tried every trick in the book to be a moderate drinker but nothing worked. And it was getting worse, I could clearly see that. As the months went on I needed more and more to feel ‘full’, and new disfuctional behaviours were emerging (like being posessive of what we had in the house, rushing out late at night to buy more because we’d run out, and hiding bottles).
So I resolved to remove it from my life, and to learn how to be happy without it. I didn’t know exactly how I was going to do that but I believed it was possible (and it is!), and I made a firm decision. No more booze for me for the rest of my life.
I have never wavered from that decision and never will.
My advice to people is always first and foremost; be honest with yourself. You know the truth about your alcohol habit and what sort of struggle you have with it. You know if it’s a problem. Don’t hide from the truth and don’t kid yourself that there’s another reality lurking around the corner, one in which you are a happy moderate drinker savouring amazing glasses of wine while being blissfully happy.
If that’s not your reality with alcohol now it never will be.
And my second bit of advice is always BELIEVE. Believe that you can remove alcohol from your life and learn how to live happily without it. Believe that you can beat your addiction, turn things around and get to where you are living happy and free.
And the final bit of advice? Connect. Connect with others who know what you are going through, either in person or online. Connect and share and you will gain immense strength. You are not alone. There are many of us for whom alcohol is a big, destructive problem. And many of us who get sober, happy and free.
You can do it too. And then hopefully you’ll never wish to drink wine again, like me.
Love, Mrs D xxx
As the B.B. says this illusion that I can drink normally needs to be SMASHED. Just ask anyone who has relapsed even after years and years of sobriety. Even if they did just have one. The mental obsession returns . When can I have another would be the first thing on my mind. I never wanted only one drink so why would I now?.
I know I can’t have any drinks.
Awesome almost 3 weeks sober. I always give up for charity this time it’s for me and my family
(& Go sober in October)
Another sober mummy x
Thank you so much for articulating exactly what i have been going through for so many years. I realise now in day 15 why i had this struggle with alcohol – its a tricky manipulative n very clever demon which i had to do battle with every single day. No more – i now see wine for what it truly is n i will never drink again!!
Love it!!! So brutally honest.
This is such an encouraging,site.Excellent posts.I still can’t believe I’m going alcohol free……I didn’t think that I could.but I have,and it’s good.I don’t miss it,which surprised me.
Little miss sober-all-the-time,happily nibbling on dark chocolate,and drinking sparkling grape juice.Relaxing in a bath,snuggled up in bed,watching Netflix……..Being the real,genuine,Clare…..
Love that comment Clare “little miss sober-all-the-time” can’t wait to be able to say that confidently about myself.
Exact question I ask myself, still. Can I be a ‘moderater drinker?’ why not, if I just try hard enough .. But I know the answer is no, and I struggle as to why the wine is a ‘goal’ of mine .. just let it go already ! trying : )
Amen. Never again!
Such inspirational words.I can relate to everything you said.we are all sober soldiers who can win this war
“….just have one drink…..” It’s never “just one” and that is why we had to put it down. I spent far too much time wishing and trying to have that elusive, “just one.” It doesn’t exist for me and never will. It’s like wishing I had blue eyes. Why would we want to torture ourselves wishing something would change that never will? I’d rather be happy accepting what is good for me and what isn’t. Besides, alcohol is given way too much credit than it’s worth. This I know. Thank you, Mrs. D, for sharing that awesome post. It’s true, it’s raw, it’s honest and it’s great! Like us!
Mrs. D, you will not believe what the ring I am wearing right now says! It says, “Believe.” For some reason, I bought it when I saw it, not really understanding why it spoke to me. You just summed it up in your blog post. I LOVE everything you wrote and can’t thank you enough for sharing. I needed to read that today, as I’ve spent too long playing around with getting sober, and not nearly enough time deeply committed to it. That changes as of today. Loved every word! XXX
Dear Mrs D,
Did you write that for me??? Lol, thank you xxxx
Agree with all that has been said. You, Mrs D were the seed that firmly planted in my mind all those years ago when you were on tv with hubby. The seed travelled planted itself and started to get watered about a year later. I visited your blog and saw myself in parts. Fast forward many years and I re-read your blog and found the rest of myself in the new 3am waking guilts knowing like anything I would not have a good day ahead. I’m done now nearly one month in for the rest of my life. I feel alive my tree is thriving in my head that seed has grown and I am keeping it alive. It’s taken some rough days weeks and months heck years to be honest to allow that seed to grow but I’m here now and I don’t wanna go back for anything. Just had the most delightful Friday evening with Miss 7. That’s not normally me but then there was nothing much normal about me I was literally under the influence. I’m so pleased and blessed mostly with friends and people who accept and don’t bat an eyelid when I tell them I don’t drink, I’m a big believer in what’s meant to be. All the signs are here. Thank you from the bottom, top and middle of my heart for changing the landscape and language around this and for starting the conversation. A true super hero. Truly. Happy day 🙂
Love , love, love….we must never forget why we stopped drinking ….
Thank you for this post ❤
LOVE this post. Love the conviction!
It’s in the many memories I have of me sloppy drunk and disconnected. Numerous instances of me slurring, stumbling, vomiting, miserable. It’s in the countless awful 3am wake-ups where I’d be full of self-loathing and physical illness. Wine did that. Wine stiffled me, bought me to my knees, shut me off from experiencing things to the full, removed me from forming true, deep connections, and utterly ruined my self-conficence and self-belief. — LOVE this…thanks so much for sharing this!!!! oxoxox
Sigh. Took the words right out of my mouth Glennis!! Thank you for your beautiful words. Sending you a nice mellow hug of gratitude 🙂
My view of alcohol has changed in very similar ways Lotta. i never would have thought it, but i too now see alcohol as “stupid, expensive liquid drug wrapped up in clever sales pitch” – and i too have years of evidence like yours – “slurring, stumbling, vomiting, miserable. It’s in the countless awful 3am wake-ups where I’d be full of self-loathing and physical illness”.
great post, thanks.
@mrs-d I don’t know how you do it but you always seem to say exactly what I have been thinking about. I am so grateful for this. Thank you.
Thank you Mrs D. Fancy thinking in my love/hate relationship with alcohol that it could have THAT much power over me…”Life is not good unless I can have a drink of wine”. The lies I believed. I would rather get that mellow feeling with a hug from a loved one or soaking in some sun rays. Even if I had to live without that feeling, knowing that five years later after I made the decision to not touch another drop…I manage better than ever to laugh, love and live…with a clear head….I would make this choice again EVERY TIME.
@mrs-d. Thank you. Moderation. How many times have we all given ourselves permission to drink in the name of moderation.
Bang on @mrs-d as always. Making that firm decision and sticking to it really is the key (with support of course) – I too, really needed to hear this today as others have said here. Much gratitude to you and all on this site. x
What a wonderful and bang on post Mrs D. Very relevant right now. Thank you for that!
I think this is a most excellent post Lotta. Flipping fabulous in fact! I think the most powerful and affirming words in it are “and I made a firm decision”. There lies the key to it all, right there! That is the secret of success. Too many “try” and “attempt” to get sober. Doomed to fail 99% of the time because they did not make a firm decision. It is not negotiable. You Decide, and then you Stop. And it might be a tricky goat track indeed with a myriad of conflicting emotions and difficult growth spurts to encounter along the way, but the one constant in all of that beautiful growth is We Do Not Drink, no matter what. That love affair is OVER!
Thank you for showing me the way. My life is rich and full and harmonious and balanced. I love me and I love my life. I love the friends I have made here, you included, and the connections that continue to deepen xoxo
So true dear friend, and you telling me this in person the day we met was made all the difference xx
Yes, yes and yes. I made my mind up after a stupid, silly but fun night on it. The stupid thing is that it was fun but destructive and ridiculously improper for my children and hers to see!! Selfish when I’m teaching them this is what it takes to have fun. I did it with my older children and continued with my younger but decided NO MORE!!! I love them more than this SHIT!! ….do it for the right reasons and you can do it!!!!!!!
Thank you @mrs-d! You are awesome. I really needed to read this today. I’ve been struggling lately and this is a very timely reminder that there is no place in my life for alcohol.
Brilliant. So honest and true. Thanks @mrs-d xox