Am I a failure?

Am I a failure because I’m not calm and contented all the time?

Am I a failure because I seem to have developed low-grade anxiety lately and am aware that often I have this slight ‘sense of impending doom’ that isn’t related to anything specific that is currently going on?

Am I a failure because I’ve been trying to develop a mindfulness/meditation practice that – while undoubtedly effective and I have experienced some great benefits – is sporadic at best?

Am I a failure because I still find anger a really hard emotion to control? It hits occasionally in short & sharp bursts and makes me feel super-bad afterwards.

Am I a failure because I can still display dysfunctional, isolating, ‘alcoholic’ behaviours around other substances (namely fatty & sugary foods)?

Am I a failure because I compare myself to others, admonishing myself for not achieving what other people can? I think: Other people can give up sugar – why can’t you? Other people can exercise daily – why can’t you? Other people can meditate twice a day – why can’t you? Other people are calm and content all the time – why aren’t you?

Am I a failure because I can write posts like this and appear to be very self-aware yet still I struggle to be exactly the person who I want to be?

Am I a failure?

No, I’m not a failure. I’m a human being. And I’m trying.

I’m trying to be the best version of myself that I can be. I’m trying to exercise regularly. I’m trying to meditate and live mindfully. I’m trying to control my intake of sugary & fatty foods. I’m trying to control my anger. I’m trying to stay calm when my brain is winding up in circles. I’m trying to not compare myself to others because I know that everyone is different (and it’s highly unlikely that anyone is perfect all of the time).

I’m not a failure because I’m trying. And if I die and everyone says ‘she tried her hardest to be the best that she can be’ then I’ll be happy. Because really… that’s all that I can do.

Oh… and I’m not a failure because I LIVE SOBER.. and anyone who kicks a dysfunctional booze habit to the curb is BRAVE and AMAZING and that includes me.

Love, Mrs D xxx

  1. […] etc/cook dinner/tidy up from dinner/do more interacting online with brave and amazing sober people/write blog posts/tidy up/get the kids to bed/watch TV/go to […]

  2. DanaCA 8 years ago

    Wow, all your “bullet points” above match a lot of mine. While I always take a little comfort in the realization that I am not alone in my struggles/pain I am SO tired of waking up to “Hello, anxiety, there you are again.” That “sense of impending doom” – I am living that daily lately. I know I am supposed to stay in the present but every once in a while I can’t help but feel completely shitty and wonder if I will battle this forever. I want and intend to do my damnedest to stay sober but F*** that. Having such a hard time getting into the solution lately.
    Thank you for your post, Mrs D. And thank you, fellow commenters, for your support. So easy for me to focus on what ISN’T working rather than what is!

  3. savvyshe 8 years ago

    No failures here. Just many, many souls getting real and true with themselves in a bid to make the most of this one and precious life, and making the most of this community that you dear Lotta inspired! So, no failures here xxxx

  4. Anonymous 8 years ago

    hey @Ms D. The success of creating this site and helping so many people who struggle with alcohol is the polar opposite of failure. If everyone could point to an accomplishment like this in their lives then our world would be such a better place. Our minds can be quite devious at pointing out all our shortcomings and you have the right attitude of embracing your humanness but goodness you are so far from a failure; you are a hero. Thank you for this place and may the times when you feel happy, healthy, peaceful and safe become evermore frequent.

  5. Anonymous 8 years ago

    Hi Mrs D you are so sweet! So many of us have been hit hard with the perfectionism stick – thinking we are always failing and everyone else is always winning. The magic about this website is that we can all see everyone is thinking the same thing – if you weren’t so transparent people would look at your life and say it’s perfect and you are perfect. We are all doing our best but it is messy and imperfect for all of us. Thank you for letting us be honest with each other.

  6. Anonymous 8 years ago

    Hi Lotta,
    Once again you write how it is. And usually it is where a lot of us are at. But you have the wonderful skill of articulating how you feel. A true gift:) .
    Just a quick note on the ‘Slight feeling of impending doom’. I lived with that feeling for two and a half years, and felt like The doctors weren’t taking me seriously. I am a positive person 95% of the time, so this was a very distressing time for me to feel this way. I knew it was my body telling me something is not right. And then I went to a Natural Healer on the Kapiti Coast 3 years ago and found out I was intolerant to Dairy Foods. Not one Doctor had mentioned food intolerances only anti depressants, which I chose not to do. For anyone feeling this way please google Anxiety&Food Intolerances. I was so glad I listened to my body. There is too much of us dealing with this today, so it makes sense it must be our diets. Life is back to being 95% positive and even though I LOVED my ice creams etc ……..I will never miss that feeling of impending doom! So it was a easy choice. Actually. just like us all giving up Alcohol. And one more bonus, I can have Dark Whittakers Chocolate still,has it’s dairyfree:) Lots of Love and Sunshine. Xxx

  7. Sfran 8 years ago

    I needed to hear this today. I am trying so hard to stop drinking. I’m having a hard hard time, but I’m still trying. Thank you for your blog and this website. I always felt so alone until I found them:)

  8. Boom! 8 years ago

    Please don’t ever stop baring your soul publicly coz by doing so you’ve helped so many. It took me over a year of reading to even ‘join in’ and write one post so please keep saying all the things most of us are thinking anyway. (Especially when you have a swearing rant on the go – I especially relate to those!). Thank you x

  9. Augusta 8 years ago

    Damn life always getting in the way eh? We are all so busy with our family and our jobs and endeavouring to make these enormous changes in our behaviour is hard. Some of them work straight away and some are a work in progress. We are warriors because we are fighters and we are giving our lives a huge shakeup trying to be the best we can possible be. No failures here.

  10. skylark 8 years ago

    So very true. Loved your honesty Mrs D….We are all trying so hard…
    Thank you again for articulating our struggles so well.
    I loved a book I read recently that has helped me enormously with my big habit of beating myself up afterwards every time I get angry / turn to sugar fixes (often)…3 lovely but messy boys and a gorgeous but messy husband (who I wouldn’t really change for the world but still = anger/ frustration triggers…)
    Dr Steve Peters, “The Chimp Paradox”. Amazing insights & tools. Now I just have to learn to consistently use them … In the past I would have had a glass of wine to zone out from the mess and hassle…
    BUT speaking of consistency …83 days sober … Wooo bloody Hooooo!!!! Howszat 🙂 xx

    • Author
      Mrs D 8 years ago

      Oooohh @skylark I haven’t heard of that book! Your life sounds like mine – surrounded by men big and small.. will look it up thanks for the recommendation! x

  11. Prudence 8 years ago

    Am I a failure? Given up booze, given up smokes but haven’t given up cream cakes, chocolate or taken up serious exercise yet!! Heck No!! I am no failure, and nor are any of you. We are all hero’s just for being here, and being aware that our lives need changing, and they always will. Let’s all enjoy the ride.
    One of our old timers on here once said “comparism is the thief of happiness”, and I think this is so valid, especially for those wonderful brave newbies who may sometimes feel a bit of “day envy”. Always remember you are absolutely wise and strong and brilliant just to be here at all trying to improve your lives. xo

    • Author
      Mrs D 8 years ago

      Love your positive attitude @prudence and so proud of you for kicking those smelly cancer sticks to the curb! xx

  12. Ms.Penelope.Dropped 8 years ago

    You are quite simply fabulous @Mrs-D

  13. morgan 8 years ago

    OMG this is too, too how it is! Even reading it I start excusing you and attacking myself – you have THREE demanding little ones and are still young, I have no excuse etc etc BUT that is so not the point. Thank you for bringing this into the clear light of day, for us to meditate on, if we feel like it that is. Xxxxxx

    • Author
      Mrs D 8 years ago

      I know in my heart that it is the same for everyone hence my baring my soul publicly yet again (note to self: become more private in future!). Thanks for your feedback @morgan xx

  14. Kerris 8 years ago

    I so needed to read that thank you Mrs D.

  15. thirstystill 8 years ago

    Not a failure, Mrs D, and you know it! You’re a rock as far as I’m concerned. I doubt anyone can control as many things as you might like to control. Seems to me you’re doing great! Thanks for being here. xoxo

    • Author
      Mrs D 8 years ago

      thanks @thirstystill for being here! hugs to you my blogging friend. I shared your last post in the Members Feed here recently and lots of members commented how they appreciated your honesty.. you write well never stop blogging! xx

  16. SueK 8 years ago

    LOVE this post. Thank you. XXX

    • Author
      Mrs D 8 years ago

      @suek xxxx miss you buddy xxx

  17. madandsad 8 years ago

    This made me cry, it is so me. Thank you Mrs D, you are such a rare gem xxx

    • Author
      Mrs D 8 years ago

      at least I don’t do that any more @jane ritchie! (get pissed that is) xx

    • Author
      Mrs D 8 years ago

      xxx @madandsad xxx

    • Jane Ritchie 8 years ago

      I loved this thanks. So nice to know that actually we all feel like this – then we get pissed!

  18. QuietlyDone 8 years ago

    Nope, you are a smashing success! Writing intuitive posts that beautifully echo the thoughts of thousands! You are the loveliest of You’s 🙂

    • QuietlyDone 8 years ago

      Haha! Thanks, it is White, but let’s call it ‘blonde’ 🙂

    • Author
      Mrs D 8 years ago

      you are very lovely @quietlydone … I always feel happy when I see your lovely blond ponytail! xxx

  19. Bondi 8 years ago

    Being sober I believe I am the best I can be…. All the other stuff really doesn’t matter, so what if we. are not doing what others are, who says we have to exercise, meditate, whatever every day…… It has taken me 62 years to reach this happy, calm state of mind and I lOVE it… No Lotta, you are not a failure, you are amazing, caring, generous and extremely brave and we love you just the way you are… A REAL person, Xoxox

    • Author
      Mrs D 8 years ago

      @bondi I do honestly hope that the older I get (44 in a couple of weeks) the less I will be striving to ‘fix’ everything about me and will just naturally fall into a more contented state… hopefully xxx

  20. paintthemoon74 8 years ago

    “There is no fail” Yoda 🙂 we are enough x

    • Author
      Mrs D 8 years ago

      @paintthemoon74 and YOU are enough my friend! So pleased you are here with us xx

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