Am I a boring sober loser?

woman looking out to sea

That's our biggest fear when we quit drinking isn't it ... that other people are going to think we are boring sober losers who are to be avoided at all costs.

Or maybe the truth is we are the ones doing the accusing, considering ourselves to be boring sober losers.

It was certainly my biggest fear. Without booze on board how could I keep being the crazy party girl, the awesome host (always with wine on hand to offer guests), or the fun friend with the twinkle in her eye chatting freely and having a loose time.

Without booze on board I thought I couldn't possibly still be any of those things, and so the obvious alternative (fear) was that I would turn into boring sober Lotta, with nothing to offer.

I mean, what complete utter fucking bollocks! (Pardon my French). I mean seriously... this is the twisted alcoholic thinking that we fall prey to when we are so intrenched in a boozy state of mind.

Why would not drinking alcohol suddenly negate any positive qualities that we might naturally own? Why would having an un-inebriated brain remove our naturally interesting personalities, kind hearts, or curious brains?

I'm still a crazy party girl. I danced for four hours straight at my 50th recently! I'm still an awesome, upbeat host - I love making people feel comfortable in my home. And I still get a twinkle in my eye whenever there's fun to be had. I don't need booze for any of it.

Like so much of what we fear when we first get sober it is absolute bullshit to think that we turn into boring sober losers when we stop drinking.

Sure, we might be quieter in a group setting or leave events earlier than before (I've done all of those things recently as well), but that doesn't mean we're boring. On the contrary it quite possibly means that all the other people who are drinking  have become boring. Or maybe it just means we're taking a back seat because we don't feel the need to push ourselves forward, or we're taking steps to look after ourselves and treat ourselves kindly - and both of those things are pretty bloody smart if you ask me.

I get why we have this fear though. Living a boozy life is living with dramatic moments, grand gestures, wild and crazy antics, or heightened interactions .. and living a sober life is not. Living a sober life is about having genuine moments, meaningful gestures, authentic fun and heartfelt interactions. Quite often subtle and low key, but always rewarding and fulfilling.

I know which life I'd choose. And frankly, if anyone thinks I'm a boring sober loser then that's their problem, not mine.

Love, Mrs D xxx

  1. Fantail74 2 years ago

    Thank you Mrs D, I needed this post. I have become this person who leaves early and admittedly worry about what people think about me. It’s a hard process to break. But I am also the one who wakes up with a clear head, after a good night’s sleep, while others are most likely hugging their friend, the toilet. I’ve copied your last couple of paragraphs to remind myself, that my life is now more fulfilling and rewarding and I’m treating myself with kindness xox

  2. seanboy2 2 years ago

    I don’t worry now what others think of sober me and I have plenty of boozy war stories in the locker , just don’t need to add to them .

  3. JettsMum 2 years ago

    I’m struggling with this at the moment. After a recent marriage break up I need to explore a new life meet new people and maybe one day a new relationship. It’s tricky knowing how to navigate that when I don’t actually know this new 3 month sober me very well yet

  4. Feisty52 2 years ago

    Thanks for this. I still struggle a bit with feelings of lonliness and rejection with being ‘the only sober one’. At least I can say I like myself now.

  5. boomersandie 2 years ago

    “I’m still an awesome, upbeat host – I love making people feel comfortable in my home. And I still get a twinkle in my eye whenever there’s fun to be had. I don’t need booze for any of it.”

    My worry too but so far friends are accepting. When you talk above about making people feel comfortable in your home, do you still offer drinks or just serve whatever they brought with them – if they come for dinner or celebrations??

  6. Antoinettte 2 years ago

    Thanks Mrs D I was listening to an episode of the Seltzer Squad Pod and this topic came up. The guest presenter recast being boring to actually being a peace with one’s self. I liked that. Who wants to be some tipsy, wine addled, slurring hot mess over being sharp, coherent, happy and remembering the enjoyment of a night out? Not this boring chick!

  7. Debsinthegarden 2 years ago

    Thanks Mrs D. This post resonated with me because I have this (probably misguided) notion that this is what a lot of people think about me. I remember having this thought since school! I’m now 57!

    • Hilarie 1 year ago

      I am 57 and have just stopped drinking and I am so scared that I will be boring, on the other hand it’s better to remember the night or day and not have flashbacks of something stupid I said.

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